Emptiness

It has been a tough week in Puerto Rico.  I had so many expectations of wanting to feel a connection, of wanting to belong.  But what I’m feeling today is completely opposite to what I wanted or expected.

I want to be honest, because only honesty can truly help me understand myself and who I am.  What I’m going to write next is pretty tough.  I have experienced such negative situations this last few days in Puerto Rico that my coqui soul feels deflated and dead.  I have spent days trying to help my elderly uncle (my dad’s brother) who needs assistance and doesn’t have anyone to take care of him.  In my attempt to solve business issues for my uncle I experienced the ‘way things are done’ in Puerto Rico and I realized that I clash with the Puerto Rican mindset.  I was trying my best to find rational and fair solutions to problems, but instead found a bureaucracy and mindset that relies on archaic and irrational business systems, where the customer is not the priority or respected.

I’m sure some other day I will write more about all this – the Puerto Rican business mindset – as this is not a new discovery.  I have had similar negative experiences trying to deal with medical and legal issues related to my parents in Puerto Rico.  The experiences, similar to this week’s issues with my uncle, have been traumatic.  Traumatic is a very strong word, but that is the true impact.  I feel defeated and hurt, and these feelings form the backdrop of what I’m writing below…

Emptiness and a hole in my coqui soul…

I’m desperately wanting to feel something, to feel connected, to feel that I belong. But those feelings are not there. I feel disconnected and empty. I’m watching a Puerto Rican television show in my mom’s living room and I could care less about the news about Puerto Rico or the reports about Christmas’ celebrations around the island. I feel nothing….

But that’s not quite true, I feel like I want to be somewhere else, like I’m trapped here in my home in Puerto Rico, that I don’t belong and that I want to escape to another place. I thought I would feel a strong connection, especially after thinking so much about being Puerto Rican and thinking that my soul journey will lead me here to my hometown of Ponce. But at this moment — after the traumatic experiences of this week trying to desperately help my uncle and navigate through archaic systems and behaviors that make no sense to me — what I expected is not happening. There is no connection to this place.  It is actually disturbing that I feel so empty.