Finding myself – it has been a tough road

We are all different. Why am I struggling so much recently about who I am, where I come from, questioning if I fit in? I wondered if I have changed who I am deep inside me in order to fit in. Have I become a different person (a fake?) to fit in? Why was it needed and/or necessary? Why do I struggle with feeling confident and valued? Maybe it is because of all the messages out there (before and after the election) – negativity towards immigrants, Hispanics, minorities, women. It is hard to not take those hurtful comments personally. What am I supposed to do – it feels personal because it hurts at a personal level. The insults and offenses, targeting minorities, Hispanics like me. How can I ignore, forget, move on? I have tried during the past couple of years to do that, but it has not worked. The negativity, the messages are all around me and they spill into not only my personal but work life.

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to leave the feelings behind me, leave them at the door when I go to work? To me, that’s like asking a person to leave behind ‘at the door’ who they are. Ignoring what’s happening in this country (especially after the election) feels like betraying myself. I can’t hide the color of my skin, I can’t hide my accent, I can’t leave my ‘values’ behind me when I come to work or when I interact with others. That’s why it is so hard to not take things ‘personal.’ The negative messages hit my core, my soul, and my values. They hit deep and they hit hard. They have shaken my confidence. They have caused fear and distrust. Maybe writing all this will be like ‘therapy’ for my soul. At least I will have an avenue to express my voice, express my pain, express my frustration, and express myself.

Sadness after Happiness

I had such a happy day yesterday celebrating my 56th birthday. I felt so relaxed, even though going to work usually gives me stress. However, I was able to re-energize my spirits through relaxation and the many joys experienced during my birthday. I got up early and felt that I could conquer the world. Unfortunately, sadness was soon to come.

Not long after I arrived at work I received news that a person in my staff passed during the weekend. It was a sudden death. Shocking. I have spoken with her a few days ago and she seemed happy with her usual cheery attitude. Then today, she is gone. It’s not easy to write about this. I have spent almost all day crying, thinking about her, thinking about how fragile life is.

We make plans, we worry about things, we think we are in control and then we realize when someone dies that control is an illusion and that not much that happens around you at work is important compared to the loss of a life. Death reminds us that we should live every minute as it was our last; that what’s important in life are the relationships that we have with our loved ones; that nothing else matters much.

I have been thinking a lot today about one of Queen’s songs that I heard at the movie that we watched a couple of days ago (Bohemian Rhapsody movie). The title of the song is ‘Who Wants to Live Forever.’ No one lives forever, but I want to say that I want to live forever. I don’t want to die. I have so many things that I want to do.

The loss that I experienced today reinforces my project. I’m glad I started this blog. I’m glad that I’m not waiting for any special signs (I have received many already). I want to follow my dream now. I want to live everyday feeling that I contributed to my life’s purpose. Whatever time I have in this world I want to use to do what I enjoy — and that is writing. Like Hamilton, I don’t want to throw away my shot!

My birthday 2018

December 3rd, 2018

Today I celebrated my 56th birthday. There is something very special about today, as I created and began my first blog.

I had a great day. I usually take the day off on my birthday, which I did today. It is a tradition for my husband to also take the day off. Sometimes we get out of town to celebrate, but today we stayed home. One of my favorite’s things to do is to be off on my birthday, get up late, and then go downtown. We didn’t have any specific plans, other than dinner, so we spent the day walking around, shopping a little, and just having a relaxing time with no schedule to follow.

We started the day by having a relaxed breakfast at home. My husband got up before me to decorate the house with colorful birthday banners and balloons. When he was done, he called me to come down to open presents and have breakfast.

We had celebrated the day before by going to the movies. I loved Bohemian Rhapsody, so my husband gave me the movie soundtrack for my birthday and he was playing it when I got up. After reading my beautiful birthday cards and opening gifts, we then slowly got ready for our day.

We did a lot of special little things. We had lunch at a famous lunch spot in downtown Ann Arbor that specializes in dogs and soups. They are only open for lunch during the week, so having the day off allowed us to go there for lunch. This was our first time at ‘Le Dog.’ Boy was it good! We both had two types of chili – white chicken chili and beef chili. They were delicious! The lunch spot is basically a stand, so everything is take out. We took our soups to a bench and had a wonderful lunch savoring the delicious soups. After lunch we just walked slowly from one end of town to another. We stopped at various stores – mostly window shopping, but also used the opportunity to do a bit of Christmas shopping. I admit that I also did a bit of shopping for myself. After all, it was my birthday! I found some good deals and felt great about getting a couple of things at great prices. We also stopped at our favorite bookstore and spent a lot of time looking at books. We can’t never go to the bookstore and get out quickly. We both loved books and it is so tempting to explore all the new books. We ended up buying a lot of books, some for gifts, but most for ourselves. My reading list keeps growing….

After shopping, we found our way back to where we started to have dinner at my favorite birthday restaurant. I have been going to the same restaurant for many years, even before I met my husband. I’m a traditionalist and always want to go back to the same restaurant and have the same dish – Paella. Yummy!

The restaurant is very special to me for two reasons. First, it is my traditional dinner spot to celebrate my birthday. Second, it is the place where we got engaged during my birthday many years ago. Thus, we now celebrate my birthday and our engagement anniversary.

I’m so blessed to have found the love of my life…and the restaurant brings back so many memories of our engagement. More on our engagement and my dear husband later.

For now, I want to bask some more on the great day I had with my loving husband and the relaxing time celebrating my birthday. A very special day indeed, when I stop and think about how lucky I am to share my life with my soulmate.

Tomorrow…back to work and back to the grind.

A Journey To Finding My Soul

The Journey Begins

My name is Ines. Today is my 56th birthday and I decided to create this blog to give a voice to my coqui soul.

I call it coqui soul because I am from Puerto Rico. The coqui is a tiny frog native from Puerto Rico. It serves as a national symbol for Puerto Rico. As a native Puerto Rican, I strongly identify with the coqui. Thus, I’m calling this site My Coqui Soul project, as the purpose of this journey is to discover my Puerto Rican – coqui – soul.

I was born and lived in Puerto Rico until I graduated from college. Then I moved to Michigan in 1984 to attend graduate school. I now live in Michigan.

After 34 years from leaving the island, I still relate deeply to the coqui. I’m Puerto Rican by birth and feel that I will always be Puerto Rican in my soul.

For the last several years, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. I guess you can say that I have been going through mid-life crisis. A lot of things have happened that triggered my exploration. I have been thinking a lot about who I am. Not superficially, but who I truly am. I have been searching for my soul.

This blog gives a voice to my coqui soul. I will be sharing my thoughts, my emotions. and the many life lessons learned along the way. I hope that you join me in this journey. Maybe you can relate to my observations. I hope you can also reflect as you listen and even learn something about yourself. I hope my journey can evolve into your own journey.

Welcome to my blog — My Coqui Soul Project

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton