Just jump in!

It’s funny to think about how many times I have told myself that I should go back to my writing. So many times…it has been months. Eight months! Amazing how time passes by… There is no reason to ‘think’ about writing or waiting for the perfect time or moment. I just need to jump back in…so here I am again!

I’m in my beloved sunroom. The place I remodeled last year where I spent most of my time when I’m not working. It is my relaxation space, my tv-watching space, my napping place, my ‘catching up’ with reading and email space, my talking on the phone place. It was also supposed to be my writing place, but that took a backseat to everything else.

Even though I have not been writing here, my head has been full of ideas. I have been ‘writing’ in my mind. I wish my mind would have recorded all the internal conversations and reflections that I have done for the last eight months. Every single time I would think about a subject that I wanted to share, I told myself that I needed to go back to writing…but it didn’t happen. Life took over my writing. My daily life suddenly began to fill with other things – nothing special, just daily things that I somehow allowed to take over.

And suddenly today I wake up and find myself writing again. It is such a relief and such a joy to be back. No reason to explain the hows and whys of my writing absence. Unfortunately, my many thoughtful reflections of life during the last eight months were never recorded and will not be remembered today. But there is no time for regrets. I’m just going to jump in and do it again!

Eventually, your life purpose returns. It might have been dormant, but not forgotten. I’m back!

I miss you!

A letter to myself…

It’s hard to believe that I have been away for so long. Although I have not written for a while, my thoughts and feelings never stopped. My fingers were taking a break from writing, but my mind has been collecting a lot of ideas that I want/need to share.

The hiatus was in itself an interesting experience. Slowly I started retreating into my home. A period that I call ‘nesting.’ The many distractions kept me away from here, but I was always planning my return. Maybe it took a bit longer than expected, but I want to be back. I want to share about where I was during my hiatus and where I am today.

The return makes me happy and I can’t wait to put my fingers to work again. My mind is spinning with ideas…

Let’s go at it again! Let’s go back to my destiny. Let’s return to my life’s purpose. Let’s continue my dream.

I’m writing again!

My thoughts in 1984 – A time capsule found

Last week, as I was digging into a drawer, I found a time capsule from 1984. My discovery, as I opened the pink binder adorned with flowers, was exhilarating. Inside the binder were traces of my life from 35 years ago. More astounding were the memories that took life again as I opened the treasure.

The year 1984 marked important events in my life. I graduated from college in Puerto Rico that year. I also transitioned into my new life in Michigan, as I departed Puerto Rico to attend graduate school. These two very important events were forever linked into the binder, reflecting a turn in my life that will forever change me. Or maybe not?

What was perplexing is that while going through the pieces of paper that I carefully folded and kept for years to come, I discovered that my soul has not changed. Despite the many life turns and experiences during 35 years, I could easily relate to my feelings in 1984, as if time has not passed.

I felt overwhelming joy and melancholy at the same time. I was happy to re-discover friendships impressed in greeting cards from my college days in Puerto Rico and from those who I met in graduate school. I recognized all the names, but some are not part of my life today, bringing sadness and longing.

I read a poem from a friend, releasing emotions not forgotten. I also read a letter meant for my college friends as I said goodbye – the paper and ink intact. The letter touched on the many feelings of friendship that I so much wanted to leave for posterity in a piece of paper locked away in the binder. I could not remember if I ever sent the letter to my friends. The letter was full of emotion. Did I had the courage to share it with my friends? My memory failed to recall what I did, so I decided to send them the letter last week, as a reminder of my lasting love and friendship.

The binder also unveiled small cutouts with thoughts written by others. As I read the words of wisdom, a puzzle started to come together. The cutouts were from newsletters from my dorm during my first semester at the University of Michigan. Since I was a teenager, I have always liked to collect quotes. I found comfort in reading quotes that connected with my own thoughts. It was as if strangers could read my mind – knowing who I was or wanted to be. I ended up with a notebook full of reflections from poets and writers. The notebook was left behind in my bedroom in Puerto Rico. However, the urge to preserve words of wisdom, which aligned with my own beliefs, never left me. Thus, it was not a surprise that I have continued to collect written quotes that appeared in a hidden corner of the dorm newsletter – the section entitled ‘fuzzy words.’

As I relived the memories, a realization came to mind. The letters and cutouts from 1984 revealed a love for writing that has always being part of my soul. The letter to my friends showed me that I always yearned to put my thoughts on paper, wanting to capture and preserve the fragile and elusive feelings of my soul. The cutouts from the dorm newsletters illustrated my fascination for the written word.

I have always found magic in writing. In a mystical turn of the universe, I find myself today where I was in 1984 – listening to my soul and writing my thoughts and feelings in this blog.

Because you – the reader – are also part of my journey, I wanted to share some of the quotes that I discovered in the binder. They opened a window to where I was in 1984. But they also connect with who I am today. The quotes have a way to awaken the character and desires of my soul.

I hope you enjoy the quotes below, as much as I did reading them again. I also hope that you can find inspiration for your own journey. Enjoy!

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it — and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again, and that is well; but she will never sit on a cold one anymore.” — Mark Twain

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a little bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden path, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Why didn’t you walk around the hole,” asked the Tin Woodsman. “I don’t know enough,” replied the Scarecrow cheerfully, “my head is stuffed with straw, you know, and that is why I am going to Oz to ask him for some brains.” “Oh, I see. But, after all, brains are not the best things in the world,” said the Tin Woodsman. “Have you have any?” inquired the Scarecrow. “No, my head is quite empty,” answered the Woodsman, “but once I had brains, and a heart also; so having tried both, I should rather have a heart.” — The Wizard of Oz

“You may not see it now,” said the Princess of Pure Reason, looking knowingly at Milo’s puzzled face, “but whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way….”And it’s much the same with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer.” — Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth

“And remember, also,” added the Princess of Sweet Rhyme, “that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you’ll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow.” — Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth

Have I felt this before?

There is something magical about the art of creation. It feels so exhilarating, so fulfilling. That’s how I feel when I write. Being in touch with my emotions, expressing my deepest feelings, my true feelings, is like nothing else that I have experienced before. But is it that true? Have I felt this before?

My memories started flooding my senses as I went back in time to a place that I have not forgotten. Tears start coming down as I realize that my soul was trying to tell me something many years ago. I tried to listen, but I was still a child and my dependent self couldn’t survive by itself.

When I was a young teenager I took art as one of my elective classes. There was not much thought about taking that step. There is not much thought about anything you do when you are in middle school. I was a very good student – all As, all my life through school. As every good student, your parents and teachers want you to focus on those hard math and science classes. You are supposed to set your sight into something bigger than art, something more serious, more respectable. So I never received encouragement to pursue the happiness of creation. I probably didn’t share with my parents or my teachers how I felt when I was doing the art projects.

I never talked about the ecstasy of forming clay with my hands until the shape of an abstract sculpture takes life. I could almost feel today my fingers working the wet clay and the smoothness of the process of creation when I let myself go. Those pieces still live in the abandoned shelves of my childhood bedroom – testaments of another path that could have been.

I did not share with anyone the joy of smelling the oil pigments while working on my masterpiece in the garage. The excitement of buying the tubes of colors and the pride of creating new members of the rainbow. The awe when a new color blooms – an infinite number of possibilities as the ochre mixed with white. A fresh shade created by my senses – an original never seen before. The masterpiece no longer exists in this physical world, but it will never leave my mind.

I had similar brushes with art in college, where I again decided to take an art class as an elective. This time was different though. It was an art appreciation class where we were asked to pick an artist and study the style. I selected a Spanish artist, El Greco. I still remember vividly the painting that I chose to analyze, the long bodies extending to the sky and the challenge of trying to figure out what lied behind the intent of the artist. As a writer now I realize that it is impossible to know exactly what an artist is thinking during the moment of creation.

“Art for an artist or a book for a writer are personal expressions that escape the conscious understanding of the viewer or reader; the viewer or reader can only attempt to decipher the emotions and feelings behind the creation.” — IS

But wait…there is one more memory that is awakening. There is another time – that innocent memory of my first performance when I was in primary school and I played the organ at the Christmas show. I was so nervous, but I felt so proud. I did something that was creative. It was my first meeting with the pleasure of owning the joy of art.

I didn’t know how to interpret the deep sentiments of my experiences. I don’t even know if I understood then the meaning of the emotions – the calmness, the peacefulness, the freedom of creation. I felt something – many things – but those feelings were foreign to me and I didn’t understand their true meaning. No one around me took the time to ask. Even if they have asked, I’m not sure what I would have said.

My soul attempted to rise from the depth of my being. My soul was shouting, but the noise around me was too loud. Those around me showed me a different path. I became a scientist. The voice of my soul was put aside in a corner of my brain where memories accumulated for a later time. I left my soul behind until now. Those memories today becoming significant as I again encounter the art of creation – the reconciliation with my soul.

My soul-searching journey uncovers an important piece of the puzzle. It is comforting to know that the pieces are starting to come together. The memories of the past evolve into who I am today. My soul is happy to know that I am listening now. I don’t need to depend on others to show me the path. I own my destiny and I can’t wait to continue discovering the mysteries ahead.

Everything is starting to make sense!

In a Different Place

Yesterday I went back to work after the federal government shutdown ended. I had mixed feelings about returning to work. After more than 30 days of being furloughed (out of work), I started getting used to the idea of being home. For me, it was like a test of what retirement could be. I was not bored or missing work. I focused on my writing and that brought a lot of joy.

At home during the last month, I had a lot of time to reflect about my life. My career, and being successful at my job, has always been a big part of my life – maybe too big of a part of my life. I have always been a responsible, dedicated, and loyal employee. As a manager, I embraced the responsibility of taking care of others. Eventually, that devotion and commitment took a toll on my emotional health. I allowed my career to dominate and define my life.

The last few years have been tough, especially after my dad passed in 2016. Besides the grief and emotional strain of losing my dad, I also started reflecting on my career. I observed organizational issues that bothered me and spent a lot of energy deciphering the best way to address the issues. These have been difficult times. In addition to management concerns, I was having a very tough time confronting the open disdain for minorities and Hispanics in this country, which compounded the pain. As a Hispanic in this country, I felt attacked and disrespected. The messages coming from the highest levels of the new Administration revealed a tone that made me feel uncomfortable. I was a government employee and the political rhetoric around minority issues impacted me at a personal level. My self-confidence was shaken.

During the recent shutdown and my stay at home, I found relaxation and peace. I feared going back to work and getting back to a place that would trigger sadness and distress. But I feel that I changed. I am in a different place. The start of my blog and the freedom to focus on my writing has changed my perspective about work.

I did a lot of self-reflection while I was out of work. In a way, the shutdown contributed to my journey of self-discovery, including bringing light and clarification on my life priorities. I realize that it is not right to allow my job to have such power over my life and happiness. I no longer want my job and career to determine my identity. My soul is so much bigger and richer than my job.

My career has been and will always be part of my life. But the key is to remind myself that it is a small part compared to my life’s full purpose and all the things I want to accomplish. There are a million things that I want to do, write, to feed my soul. Realizing the dream of writing is where I want to spend my emotional energy. It doesn’t mean that I cannot continue to be committed to my career. I still have a few years until retirement. I don’t intend to abandon my job responsibilities. However, having clarity on the goals that my soul wants to pursue means that I will be setting boundaries to ensure that my career doesn’t control my life.

My new perspective brings comfort. I have already started practicing a different outlook during my first day back at work. The renewed attitude aligns with who I want to be – with my soul. From now on, I want my soul to guide my life. The road ahead is not all clear, but I have started a journey and I am confident that my soul will lead me to the right place – a different place where I can pursue and nurture my passion for writing.

The Finish Line

I was just talking with a friend today and mentioned that I can’t wait for the finish line. I was referring to retirement. I was sharing with my friend that I can’t wait to retire and focus on my writing. His reply made me think about the term ‘the finish line.’

We have many ‘finish lines’ during our lifetimes. I have had many literal finish lines to cross during running races. In reality, they are milestones – goals that we set for ourselves. Thus, there are many finish lines or milestones that we create.

I have a good job, a good-paying job. But as I grow older, I have realized that my calling, my purpose, my passion, is not my job, but writing – writing about my life journey and discovering my soul along the quest is what I want to do. Creating this blog was part of following my passion and my dream.

As I grow older, I feel an enormous urgency to follow my passion and purpose in life. I feel that I need to be true to myself and become the person that I want to be.

“There is a very satisfying feeling that comes with being honest with yourself – a sense of freedom and peace.” — IS

I have questioned many times during this journey if I’m going through mid-life crisis. Maybe I am. Maybe as we grow older we question our purpose in life. We crave for answers of what we want to be and what we want to do with our lives.

“There is a need to check in with our soul to ensure that we are aligned with a purpose that brings joy to our life.” — IS

I sure feel that way. If this is mid-life crisis, then I’m glad I’m going through this abstract and transcendental phase. I’m glad that I’m questioning my purpose. I’m glad that I have the courage to search for my true soul.

Retirement is not a finish line. It is a transition to a world where I can exist in sync with my soul – a time where I dream of a world of endless opportunities in which my soul could live without boundaries. I yearn for the calm and peacefulness that comes with following my passion. I aspire to a time where I can give my soul the liberty and abandonment of full expression, with a voice that speaks the truth about who I am. Like Hamilton, I feel that I have a MILLION THINGS TO DO!

Thus, I dream about the symbolic transformation of my life after retirement, as I call it the ‘finish line.’ Almost there…JUST YOU WAIT!

But my friend reminded me that I don’t have to wait – that I can pursue my passion today. I realize that I have started following my dream. I realize that by starting this blog I have taken the first step in the rest of my life.

Suddenly the significance of the retirement ‘finish line’ loses its glory. Retirement is only one step of many during my lifetime. The odyssey of self-discovery have started. I’m already on my way to the most significant goal – I’m writing and enjoying the ride.

I’M NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT!

The Mirror Talks Back

“If you were looking at yourself in a mirror, what would the person in the mirror say?” — IS

(The following is a piece I wrote for my writing class where we were asked to write about what would the mirror say if we were looking at ourselves? To me it was a conversation with my soul, with my reflection in the mirror looking back at me and telling me what she saw – my self-reflection. I think it’s good to stop once in a while and reflect on what we see in the mirror.)

I know you have been thinking a lot about your identity lately. I can see you. I can see your face and your eyes looking at me. I know there is so much more to you than what I see. Have you thought about that? Who are you? What’s inside you? What do you represent? What do you believe in? There is so much more than what is on the surface… your purpose in life, your family, your upbringing, your life yesterday, your life today, and your dreams for the future.

“It is funny how we think that we know someone by the way they look, or their name, or what they say. In reality, we are all so much more complex than that.” — IS

I can see through your eyes, your determination, and your steadiness. I can see that you never give up, that you always get up again, that you search for me when you need a friend. I’m here to listen and I’m here to have as many conversations as we need so you can feel better, so you can explore yourself, so you can reflect on your life, so you can discover your soul, so you can find answers to your questions, so you can get to know yourself.

The road can be bumpy, long, and painful at times. But I assure you that it will be worth it. Talk back to me and we can share your self-discovery. I’m your soul and will always be with you.

How I Started to Seriously Consider Writing

On April 21, 2016, I looked at a brochure of public classes given through my local recreation and education department. I saw a class listed – The Craft of Creative Writing Workshop – and decided to register for it. I read the description of the class and I said to myself, why not? The description included non-fiction and that is something that I have always be interested in. The class had actually started the day before, so I was hoping that they would allow me to join, even though I was late in registering. So I went through the registration process and – voila! I was in!

And that’s how I got hooked and started my serious writing phase. I have always love to write and I had journals and notes that I have kept throughout the years. But the writing class that I started in 2016 pushed me to seriously consider writing and sharing my work with others.

Writing was comforting to me, especially when I was going through tough times. I have always used writing as my venting mechanism. I have vented a lot during a couple of years prior to the class and have been thinking about putting it all together and writing a book. So, here was my chance to begin pursuing my dream of writing.

I remembered calling my husband after I registered. I was so happy!

Because I have missed the first class, I contacted the instructor to find out more about the class and what I missed. I remembered asking her about how the class/workshop fit into writing non-fiction, as that was my main interest. She ensured me that the class would be helpful for all types of writing, as the focus was on the techniques of good writing. She told me not to worry about missing the first class, sent me the materials and homework, and welcomed me to the class.

I proceeded to write my first piece for the class – a one pager introducing some of the themes of a potential book that was in my mind. The title of the piece is ‘I’m still Puerto Rican’ – see link below.

I’m Still Puerto Rican

A New Year – Welcome to My 2019 Life!

As I turn the page to 2019, I reflect on the past and look forward to the New Year. Despite the ups and downs of last year, I’m proud and excited that the transition to the New Year aligned with the creating of My Coqui Soul Project blog. This accomplishment not only symbolizes a great step toward my journey of self-discovery, but it also provides an avenue to express my thoughts through the journey.

I have been writing for years, here and there, throughout my life experiences. There are notebooks that I started with the intention of creating a book someday. There are pieces that I created during a creative writing class that I took after my father passed away, including essays and poems. And there are daily writings that accumulated in my iPhone and iPad notes. With this blog, I now have a place where I can write and organize my thoughts with a purpose. I don’t know where all this will lead me – a book of essays, a memoir, something else? But what I know is that I’m not going to worry about the finish line. I’m just going to work on the journey and let things develop from there.

It is refreshing to know that I’m in a different place from where I was in 2018. I have a blog, I’m a published writer, and I have a voice. I’m doing what I truly believe is my purpose. I love writing. It comes easy, not because there is no effort, but because I enjoy doing it and it doesn’t feel like work. Writing comes naturally. Writing gives me peace, even when I’m sharing tough issues. Writing rejuvenates my soul and gives it a voice. Having a voice is an important part of being. Writing gives meaning to my life and my soul.

Welcome to the continuation of my journey of self-discovery. I have so many things to say and share. I hope you enjoy my company.

Cheers to the New Year!

Cheering myself up through Hamilton

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

Work has been very hard lately. I have felt like I ran out of steam. Or maybe I should say that I am running out of steam, to be a bit hopeful that maybe there is some steam left?

Hamilton, the musical, helped restart the engine, the light, the steam!

There has been so many things happening during the last couple of years. They have been painful years…Trump won the election and became President two years ago. I work for a federal agency whose mission has not been supported by the new Administration. In addition, I’m a Hispanic woman and Hispanics and minorities have been attacked in the public arena. It has felt like my life has gone through an emotional roller coaster. Maybe not a roller coaster, because there were more ‘downs’ than ‘ups.’ A tumultuous couple of years – defining years- as I will figure out and reflect again about my purpose. There were a lot of down times – sadness, fear, uncertainty. My confidence shaken, a feeling of loss of value. I have felt belittled, insulted, offended as a minority Hispanic woman in the United States, and an immigrant. At times I felt hopeless, depressed, lost. It has taken me a couple of years to recover, to be where I am today.

To better understand where I am today, I feel like I need to look back, re-examine, re-evaluate, pick-up the pieces to be whole again, find the lessons that were given through times of desperation, find my worth and value again, rediscover who I am, my purpose, my gift. I need to take a SHOT at life and pursue my life purpose – WRITING!

What does Hamilton have to do with all this? A lot…

Running out of steam…I know how that feels like. But I can get up again…RISE UP! I have been there. I know I can do it. I can make it to the finish line.

“Set up your eyes on what lies ahead after the finish line – not what you have to go through to make it to the finish line.” — IS

There might be pain, but your mind can take you to the finish line. It’s like running a marathon! Every time I think about the marathon, a smile appears in my face. That was such an accomplishment. Such Sisu! Sisu is a Finnish word that is hard to translate to English. It means something like being gutsy or determined. But in reality it is a lot more than that. (I will be writing more on the Finnish connection later).

When I ran the Detroit marathon years ago, I collapsed twice! Think about it. Not once, but twice! But I got up – RISE UP! – and I finished the marathon ‘standing’ with a smile on my face that was recorded by the photographer at the finish line. How in the world did that happened? It happened because of who I am. I am persistent. I am passionate, gutsy. I never give up when something is on the line. So there is a no reason to give up, regardless of the pain and suffering experienced some days. The journey to the finish line will always have ups and downs. But having a goal in mind will take me to the finish line and beyond – retirement and maybe a book as an outcome of this blog! It will happen because I will not give up. I might feel like collapsing, like running out of steam, but I will get up – RISE UP!

I WILL NOT THROW AWAY MY SHOT!