The Mirror Talks Back

“If you were looking at yourself in a mirror, what would the person in the mirror say?” — IS

(The following is a piece I wrote for my writing class where we were asked to write about what would the mirror say if we were looking at ourselves? To me it was a conversation with my soul, with my reflection in the mirror looking back at me and telling me what she saw – my self-reflection. I think it’s good to stop once in a while and reflect on what we see in the mirror.)

I know you have been thinking a lot about your identity lately. I can see you. I can see your face and your eyes looking at me. I know there is so much more to you than what I see. Have you thought about that? Who are you? What’s inside you? What do you represent? What do you believe in? There is so much more than what is on the surface… your purpose in life, your family, your upbringing, your life yesterday, your life today, and your dreams for the future.

“It is funny how we think that we know someone by the way they look, or their name, or what they say. In reality, we are all so much more complex than that.” — IS

I can see through your eyes, your determination, and your steadiness. I can see that you never give up, that you always get up again, that you search for me when you need a friend. I’m here to listen and I’m here to have as many conversations as we need so you can feel better, so you can explore yourself, so you can reflect on your life, so you can discover your soul, so you can find answers to your questions, so you can get to know yourself.

The road can be bumpy, long, and painful at times. But I assure you that it will be worth it. Talk back to me and we can share your self-discovery. I’m your soul and will always be with you.

The Duality of Language – A Glimpse to My Identity Journey

When I went to my first writing class, I had an encounter with one of the biggest dualities that I live with as a Puerto Rican in the United States. The example I will be sharing portrays a reality that I have lived with for many years, but that has been difficult to explain to myself. The situation is real and exemplifies many other situations throughout my life as a Puerto Rican in the United States.

I purposely decided to go to class early, as I have missed the first class and wanted to have a chance to meet the instructor. I had contacted the instructor by email after I registered for the writing class, but this was my first time in class. I entered the classroom and selected a desk. The instructor was in the room and recognized that I was new.

“Are you Ines?” the instructor asked.

“Yes,” I said.

The instructor then said, “Mucho gusto.”

(‘Mucho gusto’ means something like ‘nice to meet you’ in Spanish)

It is funny how this introduction reflected on many of the things that I have been thinking about before signing up for the class. I have sent the introductory homework piece to the instructor ahead of time, the title of which was ‘I’m Still Puerto Rican.’ Knowing about my piece, the instructor probably assumed that I spoke Spanish so she was trying to connect with me in my native language. What’s funny is that when I was confronted with the Spanish greeting, I naturally responded to her in English. I was not in a Spanish environment (I was in Michigan), so I didn’t think in Spanish. She proceeded to tell me that she knew a little Spanish.

In my head, I thought,

“That’s good, but I’m not speaking Spanish.”

What my head was thinking was brought up by the duality that lives inside me: Spanish vs. English; Puerto Rican vs. American. Of course, I didn’t say what my brain thought. That would have been rude or impossible for her to understand. I just nodded my head.

The instructor went on to tell me that the topic of duality that I shared in my introductory piece (‘I’m Still Puerto Rican’) was a good topic to explore. (The link to my introductory piece, I’m Still Puerto Rican, is included at the end of this post) The instructor’s comment brought a lot of hope and encouragement, as I have been thinking about this topic, and how to better understand it, for a while.

The duality of language – the way my brain works and reacts around both languages – was indeed an interesting topic to explore. I have debated a lot of questions about this topic throughout the years.

How I move from one language to the other. How it feels foreign and strange to think in Spanish while I’m here in Michigan. How I think in English every day of my life in Michigan. How I feel emotions in English. How it is easier for me to express my feelings in English. How I struggle in Puerto Rico trying to come up with Spanish words. How I have an accent in both languages. Yes, I have an accent in Spanish and English.

It should not be surprising that I think in English, as I have been in the States for over 34 years. I live and work in Michigan and my daily life happens in English, not Spanish. I only speak Spanish over the phone when I call my mom, or when I visit Puerto Rico. But even in Puerto Rico, it is hard for me to speak Spanish all the time, as my husband is not Puerto Rican and I don’t like to exclude him from what’s going on in a conversation. But sometimes I feel pressure to speak Spanish in Puerto Rico because that’s my native language and Puerto Rico is my native country.

Even with my sister, it is usually a mix of English and Spanish. We go back and forth, but English usually wins as we are expressing our feelings and emotions. My sister lives in Massachusetts and she has also been in the States for many years.

My husband is amazed that I can go from one language to the other. It might seem easy, but it is very difficult sometimes, especially when I’m trying to remember words in Spanish. Mostly, my language choice is determined by the environment where I am. If I’m in Michigan or anywhere in the States, there is no Spanish at all that comes to mind. When I’m in Puerto Rico around my mom and family, I speak Spanish. But there is an internal struggle that I try to hide as best as I can, although it becomes obvious to others when I’m forgetting words. Some friends in Puerto Rico brought to my attention that I have an English accent when I speak Spanish. That was quite a surprise to me. I know I have a Spanish accent when I talk in English, but now it happens both ways – English and Spanish.

Having an accent in both Spanish and English makes me think a lot about not belonging to either Puerto Rico or the United States. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in both places, which I will be exploring a lot more in this blog. This duality goes a lot deeper than just the language. The language duality triggers a lots of feelings (many I can’t explain). The language dichotomy awakens in me spurs of anxiety and uneasiness. I also realize that there is a confidence issue that comes up during the language struggles. For some strange reason my mind goes to a lot of places when I meet someone in the States and they quickly ask me where I am from. I have always assumed that they are asking me the question because they detect an accent. They don’t ask that question to my husband when we are together.

My usual response – and I have gotten better at it with time – is: “I’m from Michigan, but I’m originally from Puerto Rico.”

I always feel the urge to explain and clarify the situation. I have gotten pretty good at my answer. My husband usually observes with curiosity. He knows what’s going on in my head. He knows that the ‘question’ bothers me because it triggers a lot of weird emotions in my head. This is one of the reasons why I’m going through this soul searching journey.

Being a Puerto Rican in the United States, with an accent I should add, creates some complicated reactions in my head. My brain tells me that when I’m being asked the ‘question’ somehow it pinpoints the fact that I’m different – I have an accent, I have brown skin, I look different from other people in the room (most of the time). Being different brings awareness about being a Hispanic minority in the States. Somehow I feel like an outcast.

I know that the language issue and my reactions to the question of ‘where am I from’ exemplify the tangle of emotions that arise with my search for identity. My soul feels pulled by two different forces that clash. Am I Puerto Rican? Am I American? Theoretically, I’m both because as a native Puerto Rican, I’m also an American citizen. But sometimes I feel that I’m neither. I think the key is that I’m actually a combination of both identities, and maybe a lot of other things that I identify with.

My soul searching journey will explore many of the identity contradictions that I live with. I’m sure the journey will be long, but it will be worth it. Maybe there will not be an end to it. Maybe there doesn’t need to be an end, but an acknowledgement of the journey itself will be enough to find comfort and peace. Life is a journey. My coqui soul project is also a journey.

I’m happy to be in this journey with you, the reader. Maybe you can also discover something about yourself along this journey.

I’m Still Puerto Rican

(My first piece for my writing class, from 2016)

I am arriving in Puerto Rico today and I feel this immense pounding force in my chest, like part of my soul is awakening and need to come out. Looking through the window of the plane, I see the green rolling hills, the beach, the blue sky and puffy clouds, and the sun that you can almost touch. My heart palpitates, and suddenly an amazing burst of feelings follows… happiness, and after some contemplation, sorrow. With the feelings comes an array of thousand thoughts and an immense need to share… And that is how I decided to write this story.

Only someone from Puerto Rico can truly understand what I mean or what I feel. I want to explore these feelings and write about them so I can better understand myself and so I can share my journey of discovery. My hope is that you will learn something about me and maybe even discover something about yourself.

The dichotomy of my story – how I so completely adapted to my new home and life in Ann Arbor, and how much the feelings of my homeland, Puerto Rico, are still inside me and rush to the surface as soon as I approach “La Isla del Encanto.” The duality of being Puerto Rican. The internal forces that pull in different directions when you are watching a basketball game between United States and Puerto Rico. These dormant feelings hide in a little corner of my mind and heart, but they are certainly real and powerful. These familiar feelings also come rushing when I listen to “El Gran Combo,” or watch Miss Universe. There is a duality, but maybe I don’t have to pick a side, maybe I can survive in both worlds.

There is a balance inside me that I feel has shifted toward my current life – because I have adapted so much, so completely to my life with my loving husband in Ann Arbor (who reminds me about how much I enjoy running in cold weather). But somehow, that balance shifts very strongly the other way telling me that I am still, and will always be, very much Puerto Rican.

How I Started to Seriously Consider Writing

On April 21, 2016, I looked at a brochure of public classes given through my local recreation and education department. I saw a class listed – The Craft of Creative Writing Workshop – and decided to register for it. I read the description of the class and I said to myself, why not? The description included non-fiction and that is something that I have always be interested in. The class had actually started the day before, so I was hoping that they would allow me to join, even though I was late in registering. So I went through the registration process and – voila! I was in!

And that’s how I got hooked and started my serious writing phase. I have always love to write and I had journals and notes that I have kept throughout the years. But the writing class that I started in 2016 pushed me to seriously consider writing and sharing my work with others.

Writing was comforting to me, especially when I was going through tough times. I have always used writing as my venting mechanism. I have vented a lot during a couple of years prior to the class and have been thinking about putting it all together and writing a book. So, here was my chance to begin pursuing my dream of writing.

I remembered calling my husband after I registered. I was so happy!

Because I have missed the first class, I contacted the instructor to find out more about the class and what I missed. I remembered asking her about how the class/workshop fit into writing non-fiction, as that was my main interest. She ensured me that the class would be helpful for all types of writing, as the focus was on the techniques of good writing. She told me not to worry about missing the first class, sent me the materials and homework, and welcomed me to the class.

I proceeded to write my first piece for the class – a one pager introducing some of the themes of a potential book that was in my mind. The title of the piece is ‘I’m still Puerto Rican’ – see link below.

I’m Still Puerto Rican

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – My Emotional Journey

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I was fortunate to be able to get tickets to see Hamilton while I was in Puerto Rico. The Hamilton production in Puerto Rico included Lin-Manuel Miranda, its creator, playing the main character. Lin-Manuel played Hamilton when it opened in Broadway, but he has not played the role for many years. Lin-Manuel’s family is from Puerto Rico and he decided to bring the hit musical to support Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. In fact, Lin-Manuel started a fund to support arts in Puerto Rico, including the restoration of the theater of the University of Puerto Rico that was damaged by the Hurricane. Eventually, the musical was moved to another venue – the Centro de Bellas Artes – but the restoration work at the University was done and will be critical to bringing other world-renowned events to Puerto Rico.

I have written before about the impact of Hamilton in my life. I saw Hamilton for the first time in Chicago in December 2017, for my 55th birthday. The musical was not only inspirational, but life changing. I relate to Hamilton as an immigrant from the Caribbean. I also relate to Hamilton in a lot of other characteristics – his passionate fervor for expressing his ideas and speaking his mind, even if creating discord; his love for writing; his continuous energy (non-stop) and inability to stay put and relax, always doing something; and many other things.

I connected with Hamilton instantly. I’m sure that the fact that Lin-Manuel, a Puerto Rican, was the creator of it had to do a lot with my connection. However, it was a lot more than that. I connected with the historical personality and the passion of the character visualized by Lin-Manuel through his written words.

After seeing Hamilton, I wanted to be him! I wanted to rebel. I wanted to speak up, express my thoughts, and write. I wanted to not waste any more time. I wanted to rise up again.

This is my third time seeing Hamilton. The second time was in New York (May 2018). But none of the previous times compare to seeing Lin-Manuel playing Hamilton in Puerto Rico. It was a very emotional journey. I have been wanting to see Hamilton in Puerto Rico since I heard that it was being planned. I closely monitored the news as they developed waiting for the opportunity to get tickets. It was more than a year of wait, but I was fortunate enough to get tickets through the Foundation that supported Hamilton in Puerto Rico, not only getting tickets to the event, but also having the opportunity to make a donation to support the arts in the island.

It was a long wait, but it was worth it. Seeing Lin-Manuel at the theater in Puerto Rico was unreal. It was like a dream. My husband and I have seen videos of Lin-Manuel playing in the original cast of Hamilton, so we have some visuals. I also listen to the soundtrack all the time, especially when I run. But this time, it was real. It was not a video or a soundtrack. It was Lin-Manuel in person, in front of us, singing the songs and speaking the words that have been ingrained in my mind for more than a year. After Chicago, I bought t-shirts for my husband and me with the phrase: ‘my thoughts have been replaced by Hamilton lyrics.’ It is true! I wake up in the morning thinking about the lyrics. I find myself humming the songs at all times of the day. Hamilton lyrics are truly always on my mind.

There are no words to describe the emotions I felt when I saw Lin-Manuel in the stage for the first time. There are no words to describe the emotions of hearing the lyrics sung by Lin-Manuel only a few feet from us. My emotions overwhelmed me. I usually cry when I listen to the soundtrack, as there are a few very sad songs. But at the theater, I was sobbing. I could not control my tears, coming down my cheeks in buckets full.

Seeing Hamilton in Puerto Rico was emotional at many levels and I will never forget.

Thank you Lin-Manuel for allowing me to experience Hamilton in my native Puerto Rico.

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – Ines Refuted, Love Restored

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I have written about my feelings about Puerto Rico during my recent trip during the Holidays (Dec 2018-Jan 2019).

I went through a roller coaster of emotions. My elderly mom lives in Puerto Rico and it is always sad to see her deterioration. Her memory is failing. She is otherwise stable, but it is hard to see your parent aging and not able to do anything about it. This trip was even more difficult as I was trying to help my elderly uncle, who doesn’t have anyone to take care of him. I was dealing with business systems in Puerto Rico trying to solve issues, but it was hard for me to deal with some of the mentality of the people that I encountered.

I spent some tough days wondering about my place in Puerto Rico. I wanted to belong. I wanted to feel connected. But somehow the negative experiences trying to help my uncle with his care really deflated my spirit. I was down and I felt defeated. But the most frustrating part was that I had a lot of expectations for this trip. As part of my journey of self-discovery, I expected my coqui soul to feel welcomed, connected, and embraced. While dealing with the issues in Puerto Rico, I did not have those feelings and I felt very disappointed and even shameful for not finding that connection.

But then I followed the news about the preparations for Hamilton in Puerto Rico. Lin-Manuel and his parents were in Puerto Rico and the newspapers and television shows had reports about the Miranda family almost daily. This was a big event for the island. Everyone in the island was excited about the musical and so was I. Suddenly listening to Lin-Manuel and his parents changed my perspective. They were so proud and so happy to be in Puerto Rico. They showcased the goodness of the Puerto Ricans and their invincible spirit, especially after dealing with the deadly Hurricane Maria at the end of 2017. Puerto Ricans not only survived but did it with dignity and perseverance. Listening to others speaking about Puerto Rico awaken the coqui soul again. I started to feel part of something. I started to connect again with my native land. I started to see a different side – a positive side – that has been masked by the recent negative experiences dealing with my elderly relatives.

Somehow, my perspective was refuted by Lin-Manuel. I stand corrected, Lin-Manuel. I have feelings for Puerto Rico. I have emotions that generate from my family and upbringing in Puerto Rico. Suddenly the love for my culture, my people, and my land surfaced again through Hamilton in Puerto Rico. My coqui soul is alive and does not want to forget its roots. My love for Puerto Rico is restored thanks to my experience of Hamilton in Puerto Rico and Lin-Manuel.

Ines refuted. Love restored.

Furloughed

I work for the federal government and my agency is currently experiencing a shutdown. That means that I’m furloughed – which in simple words means that I’m not allowed to work and thus, I’m not receiving a paycheck.

The furlough started while I was in Puerto Rico for the Holidays. Today is day 26 of the government shutdown with no end in sight.

If you follow up the politics you know that the President didn’t fund the government, as he didn’t get the billions of dollars that he was asking to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. The topic of the wall has been a difficult one for me to deal with since Trump was promising a wall when he was campaigning for the Presidency. Even before Trump became President, his comments about immigrants from Mexico and other Hispanic countries were offensive and discriminatory. Nothing has changed since then.

In my opinion, the views about Mexican and other Hispanic immigrants and the fear that Trump is trying to create by saying that we need a wall is nothing more than an attempt to prevent people in need to come to this country and earn a decent living. Immigrants are not taking jobs from Americans. However, most of them have brown skin and that in my opinion, is the biggest reason why immigrants from Mexico and South America are been discriminated against. To me this is the same old racism that has existed in the United States since its beginnings. I thought there was progress about acceptance of diversity in this country. However, the actions of Trump and his supporters during his campaign and now during his Administration tells me that racial discrimination in this country is alive and well. Trump has not only offended minorities, but has opened the door to blatant racism and discriminatory language in this country.

I would like to get my job back and would also like to get paid for my job. However, I don’t support building the wall and as such, I’m willing to be furloughed for the cause.

A New Year – Welcome to My 2019 Life!

As I turn the page to 2019, I reflect on the past and look forward to the New Year. Despite the ups and downs of last year, I’m proud and excited that the transition to the New Year aligned with the creating of My Coqui Soul Project blog. This accomplishment not only symbolizes a great step toward my journey of self-discovery, but it also provides an avenue to express my thoughts through the journey.

I have been writing for years, here and there, throughout my life experiences. There are notebooks that I started with the intention of creating a book someday. There are pieces that I created during a creative writing class that I took after my father passed away, including essays and poems. And there are daily writings that accumulated in my iPhone and iPad notes. With this blog, I now have a place where I can write and organize my thoughts with a purpose. I don’t know where all this will lead me – a book of essays, a memoir, something else? But what I know is that I’m not going to worry about the finish line. I’m just going to work on the journey and let things develop from there.

It is refreshing to know that I’m in a different place from where I was in 2018. I have a blog, I’m a published writer, and I have a voice. I’m doing what I truly believe is my purpose. I love writing. It comes easy, not because there is no effort, but because I enjoy doing it and it doesn’t feel like work. Writing comes naturally. Writing gives me peace, even when I’m sharing tough issues. Writing rejuvenates my soul and gives it a voice. Having a voice is an important part of being. Writing gives meaning to my life and my soul.

Welcome to the continuation of my journey of self-discovery. I have so many things to say and share. I hope you enjoy my company.

Cheers to the New Year!

Where I belong

After so many expectations thinking that coming to Puerto Rico was the key to the puzzle of my soul, my expectations were proven wrong. I thought I will discover the answers to my questions of belonging…but I was wrong.

The last couple of years as a Hispanic woman working under the Trump administration have been emotionally draining. I have felt that I didn’t belong in the United States. I felt that I needed to connect with my roots in Puerto Rico and be embraced by its warmth.

But those expectations were not met. Not even close…

I have been looking to belong in all the wrong places. I don’t belong in Puerto Rico or in the United States. How strange? I’m between places, like a vagabond or orphan.

After some thought, a possible answer emerged in front of me and suddenly something became clear. Feelings of relief and peace rushed into my heart as I discovered a truth that was always present but somehow hidden from sight due to all the emotional distress of wanting to belong to a place. The identity struggle have confused my soul journey. I realize that I don’t belong to a place or a location. I don’t belong to Puerto Rico or the United States. My soul belongs to my soulmate, my sweetheart, my loving husband.

It doesn’t matter where I’m physically. As long as I’m in my husband’s arms, I’m at home. That is where I belong and where I want to be, forever!

Between Two Places

My beautiful Puerto Rico… somehow I left you behind. I thought I would feel like coming home during this trip. Instead I feel like a transitory visitor, passing by and knowing that I will leave again. And today, as I leave my mom behind, I long not for going back but for moving forward with my life someplace else.

I had so many expectations this year as I was returning to Puerto Rico for Christmas. I was longing for a place to welcome and cradle my coqui soul. Instead I felt distant like a stranger. How could it be possible for me to feel that I don’t belong here in Puerto Rico?

Maybe these feelings are not real, but a defense mechanism to protect myself from the painful days that I endured in Puerto Rico trying to help my elderly uncle and dealing with Puerto Rico’s archaic and irrational business systems. It was traumatizing,

Leaving town now, I feel relieved and free.