Emptiness

It has been a tough week in Puerto Rico. I had so many expectations of wanting to feel a connection, of wanting to belong. But what I’m feeling today is completely opposite to what I wanted or expected.

I want to be honest, because only honesty can truly help me understand myself and who I am. What I’m going to write next is pretty tough. I have experienced such negative situations this last few days in Puerto Rico that my coqui soul feels deflated and dead. I have spent days trying to help my elderly uncle (my dad’s brother) who needs assistance and doesn’t have anyone to take care of him. In my attempt to solve business issues for my uncle I experienced the ‘way things are done’ in Puerto Rico and I realized that I clash with the Puerto Rican mindset. I was trying my best to find rational and fair solutions to problems, but instead found a bureaucracy and mindset that relies on archaic and irrational business systems, where the customer is not the priority or respected.

I’m sure some other day I will write more about all this – the Puerto Rican business mindset – as this is not a new discovery. I have had similar negative experiences trying to deal with medical and legal issues related to my parents in Puerto Rico. The experiences, similar to this week’s issues with my uncle, have been traumatic. Traumatic is a very strong word, but that is the true impact. I feel defeated and hurt, and these feelings form the backdrop of what I’m writing below…

Emptiness and a hole in my coqui soul…

I’m desperately wanting to feel something, to feel connected, to feel that I belong. But those feelings are not there. I feel disconnected and empty. I’m watching a Puerto Rican television show in my mom’s living room and I could care less about the news about Puerto Rico or the reports about Christmas’ celebrations around the island. I feel nothing….

But that’s not quite true, I feel like I want to be somewhere else, like I’m trapped here in my home in Puerto Rico, that I don’t belong and that I want to escape to another place. I thought I would feel a strong connection, especially after thinking so much about being Puerto Rican and thinking that my soul journey will lead me here to my hometown of Ponce. But at this moment — after the traumatic experiences of this week trying to desperately help my uncle and navigate through archaic systems and behaviors that make no sense to me — what I expected is not happening. There is no connection to this place. It is actually disturbing that I feel so empty.

A Tale of Two Christmases

Today I’m heading to Puerto Rico for Christmas. It is funny that as I’m getting ready this morning, I find myself humming Christmas tunes. But not Christmas tunes from Puerto Rico, but American Christmas songs. ‘I’ll be home for Christmas’ was in my mind and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’m glad that I was humming songs, as that was a sign that I was somewhat relaxed.

It is always stressful to travel, especially when we are flying long distance, like to Puerto Rico. My husband and I were traveling for the Holidays for a long stay this time – three weeks – so packing was a challenge, especially when we only take carry-on luggage.

Thinking about our travel this morning reminded me of the two types of Christmas that I have experienced since I married. We alternate each year to visit family and the Christmases are totally different. Every other year we go to Idaho to my in-laws. Spending Christmas in Idaho, for someone from Puerto Rico, has always been challenging for me. Not because I don’t want to visit my husband’s family, but because I miss Puerto Rico during Christmas more than any other time in the year. It is usually a very melancholic time for me. During Christmas, my coqui soul wants to be in Puerto Rico. It is hard for me, as my husband also experiences being homesick and he wants to go to Idaho so bad. But for me, is more than a location. Our Christmas in Idaho is such a departure from what I grew up with in Puerto Rico.

Christmas in Idaho is all about family and football at the home of my in-laws. It is usually cold, there is usually a lot of snow, and we don’t go out much. As everyone else in my in-laws family, I’m also interested in the bowl games and rooting for my football team, University of Michigan. But the feeling around the family gathering is completely different from what I grew up with in Puerto Rico. I have been married for 23 years, which means that we have been going to my in-laws for a long time. Despite that, I still miss the Christmas spirit in Puerto Rico. At this time of the year, something takes over my head – feelings of melancholy toward my native Puerto Rico and my family – and I find myself unable to control those feelings. I feel torn between my American life in the United States and the usual American Christmas, and my Puerto Rican identity and cultural attachment to the island that pulls me in a different direction.

I enjoy the American Christmas’ traditions. I usually start humming American Christmas songs in early December, as my birthday approaches. I really get into the American Christmas spirit. And that makes sense, as I have lived in the States for more than half my life. But there are always different feelings that wake up during the Christmas season related to my Puerto Rican roots. Christmas in Puerto Rico is so different, because Puerto Rican culture is completely different from the United States. The Puerto Rican Christmas is rich with music and dance. There are the ‘parrandas’ where groups gather to sing Puerto Rican Christmas songs while going from house to house. There is the celebration of Three Kings Day where Puerto Rican kids get gifts for a second time during the season – after receiving gifts from Santa Claus on Christmas day. There are the special Christmas songs that are newly released each year – yes, every Christmas, there are new songs written for the season and the radio stations fill their broadcast with traditional and newly released songs.

Besides the cultural differences, there is the warm weather. Christmas weather in Puerto Rico is usually around 80 degrees – not much different from the weather throughout the year. After all, we are in the Caribbean, and weather in the Caribbean doesn’t change much. You live in shorts and t-shirts, you can go to the beach, and a ‘party-like’ atmosphere dominates every day during the holiday season. Also, the season in Puerto Rico goes forever. It usually starts after Thanksgiving, like in the United States, but that’s pretty much the only similarity. Holidays in Puerto Rico extend way beyond Christmas Day. There is the excitement of Christmas and gifts to be given and received, but then comes New Year’s Eve – a big day in Puerto Rico, where there are celebrations throughout the neighborhoods and hotels. In fact, my husband and I will go with my parents to celebrate New Year’s at a hotel every time we were visiting Puerto Rico. New Year’s Day seems to define the end of the Holiday season in the United States. But in Puerto Rico, that is only the beginning. After New Year’s, there is Three Kings Day (January 6) – a big celebration in Puerto Rico, where kids get gifts a second time. Then Puerto Ricans keep adding holidays after January 6. There are the ‘octavas’ (eight days after January 6), and then the ‘octavitas’ (eight days after that). But wait…it’s not over yet. If you are in San Juan, then you celebrate the ‘Fiestas de San Sebastian,’ starting about mid-January – a ‘Mardi Gras’ like celebration where people flood the streets of Old San Juan for a week, with continuous parades of music and dancing everywhere you go. I have never experienced the ‘Fiestas de San Sebastian,’ but I hope to do that someday.

So, as I said earlier, the Christmas/Holiday season in Puerto Rico is very different from the United States in many ways, both in cultural and timeline terms. Being from Puerto Rico, it is difficult to not miss the spirit of celebration that permeates throughout the island during the Holidays. Christmas in Puerto Rico is like nothing else in the world, as the cultural roots dominate the music, dance, and traditions during the many festivities.

Puerto Ricans are Americans by birth, but our cultural roots go back more than five hundred years when Christopher Columbus discovered the island in 1492. Puerto Rican culture is a complex mix of Spanish, African, and American traditions. But the Spanish and African traditions are the oldest and most ingrained in our culture. We have only be part of the United States for a little over 100 years. Before the United States landed in Puerto Rico, there was already a very strong culture fully developed and deeply impressed in the psyche of Puerto Ricans.

Being torn between two cultures is not a new feeling for me. In fact, the reason why I’m going through this journey of self-discovery is because I feel torn and uneasy a lot lately, especially as I grow older. It’s like the longer I live in the United States, the stronger the feelings of wanting to find myself – the harder the struggle with my identity and wanting to understand and getting in touch with my soul – my coqui soul.

I live in two cultures. Thus, I experience two Christmases.

Cheering myself up through Hamilton

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

Work has been very hard lately. I have felt like I ran out of steam. Or maybe I should say that I am running out of steam, to be a bit hopeful that maybe there is some steam left?

Hamilton, the musical, helped restart the engine, the light, the steam!

There has been so many things happening during the last couple of years. They have been painful years…Trump won the election and became President two years ago. I work for a federal agency whose mission has not been supported by the new Administration. In addition, I’m a Hispanic woman and Hispanics and minorities have been attacked in the public arena. It has felt like my life has gone through an emotional roller coaster. Maybe not a roller coaster, because there were more ‘downs’ than ‘ups.’ A tumultuous couple of years – defining years- as I will figure out and reflect again about my purpose. There were a lot of down times – sadness, fear, uncertainty. My confidence shaken, a feeling of loss of value. I have felt belittled, insulted, offended as a minority Hispanic woman in the United States, and an immigrant. At times I felt hopeless, depressed, lost. It has taken me a couple of years to recover, to be where I am today.

To better understand where I am today, I feel like I need to look back, re-examine, re-evaluate, pick-up the pieces to be whole again, find the lessons that were given through times of desperation, find my worth and value again, rediscover who I am, my purpose, my gift. I need to take a SHOT at life and pursue my life purpose – WRITING!

What does Hamilton have to do with all this? A lot…

Running out of steam…I know how that feels like. But I can get up again…RISE UP! I have been there. I know I can do it. I can make it to the finish line.

“Set up your eyes on what lies ahead after the finish line – not what you have to go through to make it to the finish line.” — IS

There might be pain, but your mind can take you to the finish line. It’s like running a marathon! Every time I think about the marathon, a smile appears in my face. That was such an accomplishment. Such Sisu! Sisu is a Finnish word that is hard to translate to English. It means something like being gutsy or determined. But in reality it is a lot more than that. (I will be writing more on the Finnish connection later).

When I ran the Detroit marathon years ago, I collapsed twice! Think about it. Not once, but twice! But I got up – RISE UP! – and I finished the marathon ‘standing’ with a smile on my face that was recorded by the photographer at the finish line. How in the world did that happened? It happened because of who I am. I am persistent. I am passionate, gutsy. I never give up when something is on the line. So there is a no reason to give up, regardless of the pain and suffering experienced some days. The journey to the finish line will always have ups and downs. But having a goal in mind will take me to the finish line and beyond – retirement and maybe a book as an outcome of this blog! It will happen because I will not give up. I might feel like collapsing, like running out of steam, but I will get up – RISE UP!

I WILL NOT THROW AWAY MY SHOT!

Miss Universe 2018

Another Miss Universe…

I have watched Miss Universe since I was little. It has always been exciting to follow the Puerto Rico contestant. Puerto Rico has done very well in Miss Universe, winning multiple times. I’m not sure how many times, but multiple times for sure; more than other countries.

It is always exciting to watch Miss Universe. This is one of those times that Puerto Rico competes as an independent nation and this is one of the reasons why I will never want to become a state. Competing as an independent nation in Miss Universe and sports competitions, like the Olympics, has always been one of the highlights of being Puerto Rican. During these competitions it is when your Puerto Rican pride comes blasting full force against all countries in the world, including the United States. As a Puerto Rican, I will always root for Puerto Rico against the United States. The loyalty to Puerto Rico is unequivocal.

This is one line in the sand that gets drawn during every international competition. Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States. As such, Puerto Rico competes as an independent nation. If Puerto Rico was a state, we would not be able to compete as a separate nation. To other Americans this might feel shallow or unimportant. But for Puerto Ricans, and me, this is extremely important. At these competitions, the spirit of Puerto Rico comes to life, thriving and roaring like a lion. At these moments, the little island in the Caribbean shines as bright as the big powers of the world, including the United States.

I’m an American citizen, but during Miss Universe and many other international competitions, I will always, always root for Puerto Rico.

Let’s see what happens… go Puerto Rico! It will be great to show the world that we are here and stronger than ever, despite the struggles that we faced after hurricane Maria. We rise again!

The Cockfighting Wars

I always keep up with the Puerto Rican newspaper to learn about what’s going on in the island. After all, I’m Puerto Rican. So even though I live thousands of miles from the island, my immediate family still lives in Puerto Rico. But to be honest, I don’t follow the Puerto Rican news because of my family. I follow the news because my journey of self-discovery attempting to understand my soul and emotions is very much related to my Puerto Rican heritage. Anyway, I will be talking about all that later, but for now I want to share my emotions about the recent news.

The United States Congress declared cockfighting illegal and these news have dominated the newspapers and discussions in the island, from the poorest towns to the highest government officials, including the Governor of Puerto Rico. Amazingly, the cockfighting prohibition awakened the soul of Puerto Ricans like nothing else before. Why? I will share my own feelings about this, because I found myself reacting similarly to those living in Puerto Rico. Congress drew a line in the sand and I knew immediately where I stood – and it was not with the United States.

When I read the news, I was appalled. Somehow the news triggered a reaction in my soul that called for rebellion and disgust. The recent prohibition from Congress was a blatant exercise of United States colonialism. Yes, Puerto Rico is a colony of the United States and the recent act against cockfighting provides an unequivocal example of the colonial relationship between the United States and Puerto Rico. There are a lot of complicated aspects ingrained in this relationship that started in 1898 when United States attacked Puerto Rico during the Spanish American War and took control of the island from Spain. I have been doing a lot of research about this through my journey of self-discovery and the feelings awakened by this research will probably surface through a lot of my writings.

Today I wanted to share that I’m siding with Puerto Ricans and my position is clear and cemented by my Puerto Rican roots. I had the same feelings of the many Puerto Ricans that have expressed their disgust with Congress’ action against cockfighting. I find myself in a place that could be hard to understand by other Americans. Yes, I’m an American by birth – I was born in Puerto Rico and I’m an American citizen. But I’m drawn to Puerto Rico and its struggles by my coqui soul. That I can’t refute. My soul picked a side – that of Puerto Rico – and there is nothing I can do. I should say that I don’t want to do anything differently. I feel proud to pick Puerto Rico as my side. The purpose of this journey is to find clarity and peace. Through my rebellious reaction to Congress’ action, I experienced clarity and peace.

I’m against colonialism. The recent lack of action from the United States toward Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria clearly displayed the worst of colonialism. With the cockfighting prohibition, the United States again take control over the island as a master over its slave. There is no consideration for Puerto Ricans and its culture. I have never participated in a cockfight before. But I don’t need to. My grandfather did. Cockfighting is part of the Puerto Rican culture. Like bullfighting is part of the Spanish culture. I love animals, and it saddens me that I have to pick a side that might not align with my love for animals. But, it’s a matter of principle. The ruling against cockfighting is a ruling for colonialism.

If you think this is a big contradiction, you are right. That is what I live with – a big contradiction of loyalty toward my Puerto Rico and loyalty toward the United States. Loyalty toward my values and love of animals and rebellion against the prohibition. The dichotomy has been present – and will most likely be present throughout my entire life. But understanding why that dichotomy exists and understanding its roots, are the main reasons why I started this journey.

It is complicated. I will continue to explore my feelings in an attempt to better understand my soul. The path will be full of contradictions, but nevertheless, I need to do this because getting to know my soul and finding its voice is needed for my survival.

Today I stand against colonialism. I stand for Puerto Rico. My coqui soul knows which side I should be with. I’m standing strong with my fellow Puerto Ricans.

This Beautiful Land

Today I was flying back from my niece’s graduation. We spent the weekend in Moscow, Idaho. This is the home of the University of Idaho (UI) – the Alma mater of my dear husband and few members of his family. My niece became the fifth member of the husband’s family who have attended the UI.

It was a memorable and satisfying trip. Several months ago we didn’t know if my father-in-law will make it to Moscow. We were all relieved that my father-in-law not only made it, but looked so much better. His health is continuing to improve and we are all very happy about that.

I will write later about the commencement, but for now I wanted to write about the beautiful flight from Idaho to Utah. It was amazing! First, the rolling hills of the Palouse around Lewiston, and then the mountains and canyons getting bigger and more dramatic as we went on. Looking out the airplane window was mesmerizing. I found myself not able to look away. I wanted to see it all. It was relaxing while exhilarating at the same time. This land is so beautiful. I felt so small compared to the greatness of this land, this earth, this planet. It was a humbling experience.

When we go about our life, we feel that the world revolves around us – that somehow what’s happening (at work or personal life) is important or relevant. Then you are up there in the sky taking a peek at the world and then you realize that there is so much more than our daily lives. That there is so much beauty to experience in this world. That our lives are just small blips in the universe and we should take the time to pause and think about what’s around us.

I feel refreshed, blessed, and grateful for being able to experience such beauty…

Commencement

Today I attended my niece’s commencement at the University of Idaho (UI). What a beautiful experience! Nothing like being surrounded by the excitement of graduation to make you feel renewed.

The speeches, the videos, the photos. You can feel the pride in the air. The parents and family shouting the names of the graduates as they go through the podium. The cheers and applause growing as the afternoon went on. A lot of love in the air.

Listening to the remarks made me reminisce about my own graduations. I have had several graduations throughout my lifetime. Don’t remember much of the graduations before high school. I bet they were important to my parents, but I honestly can’t say that they were memorable to me. I do remember a bit about my eight grade graduation – the leap from middle school to high school. I guess that was many years ago and it is hard to remember. However, I know it was a very proud moment to myself and my parents, as I was the top student of the class. Then there was the high school graduation. The year was 1980. That one is a little bit more ingrained in my memory. Again, I was the top student of my class and I remember writing the speech. I still have that speech and I was able to bring it back to life during my high school 25th reunion. I remember looking at the graduation pictures. I looked like a General with so many medals on my chest. I received a gold medal for every discipline where I was the top student. And yes, I took them all! Graduating from high school was certainly memorable and I will never forget the pride exuded by my parents as they saw their oldest daughter getting recognition for achieving such a significant milestone.

Then it was college. I received my degree in Chemistry in 1984 from the University of Puerto Rico in Mayaguez. My years at college are very dear to my heart. I made lifelong friends during college. There was so much growth during my college years. I can say that I was finally flying from my parent’s nest – little by little, year by year, as I spent four years in college. I developed my personality and started feeling like an individual – not any longer my parent’s daughter, but myself. College years were forming years. Those were the years where I started searching for my soul – unknowingly – by starting questioning my future and my purpose. I did well in college (I continued to have very good grades), but I also can say that I thoroughly enjoyed my time in college.

Finding myself – it has been a tough road

We are all different. Why am I struggling so much recently about who I am, where I come from, questioning if I fit in? I wondered if I have changed who I am deep inside me in order to fit in. Have I become a different person (a fake?) to fit in? Why was it needed and/or necessary? Why do I struggle with feeling confident and valued? Maybe it is because of all the messages out there (before and after the election) – negativity towards immigrants, Hispanics, minorities, women. It is hard to not take those hurtful comments personally. What am I supposed to do – it feels personal because it hurts at a personal level. The insults and offenses, targeting minorities, Hispanics like me. How can I ignore, forget, move on? I have tried during the past couple of years to do that, but it has not worked. The negativity, the messages are all around me and they spill into not only my personal but work life.

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to leave the feelings behind me, leave them at the door when I go to work? To me, that’s like asking a person to leave behind ‘at the door’ who they are. Ignoring what’s happening in this country (especially after the election) feels like betraying myself. I can’t hide the color of my skin, I can’t hide my accent, I can’t leave my ‘values’ behind me when I come to work or when I interact with others. That’s why it is so hard to not take things ‘personal.’ The negative messages hit my core, my soul, and my values. They hit deep and they hit hard. They have shaken my confidence. They have caused fear and distrust. Maybe writing all this will be like ‘therapy’ for my soul. At least I will have an avenue to express my voice, express my pain, express my frustration, and express myself.

Sadness after Happiness

I had such a happy day yesterday celebrating my 56th birthday. I felt so relaxed, even though going to work usually gives me stress. However, I was able to re-energize my spirits through relaxation and the many joys experienced during my birthday. I got up early and felt that I could conquer the world. Unfortunately, sadness was soon to come.

Not long after I arrived at work I received news that a person in my staff passed during the weekend. It was a sudden death. Shocking. I have spoken with her a few days ago and she seemed happy with her usual cheery attitude. Then today, she is gone. It’s not easy to write about this. I have spent almost all day crying, thinking about her, thinking about how fragile life is.

We make plans, we worry about things, we think we are in control and then we realize when someone dies that control is an illusion and that not much that happens around you at work is important compared to the loss of a life. Death reminds us that we should live every minute as it was our last; that what’s important in life are the relationships that we have with our loved ones; that nothing else matters much.

I have been thinking a lot today about one of Queen’s songs that I heard at the movie that we watched a couple of days ago (Bohemian Rhapsody movie). The title of the song is ‘Who Wants to Live Forever.’ No one lives forever, but I want to say that I want to live forever. I don’t want to die. I have so many things that I want to do.

The loss that I experienced today reinforces my project. I’m glad I started this blog. I’m glad that I’m not waiting for any special signs (I have received many already). I want to follow my dream now. I want to live everyday feeling that I contributed to my life’s purpose. Whatever time I have in this world I want to use to do what I enjoy — and that is writing. Like Hamilton, I don’t want to throw away my shot!

A Journey To Finding My Soul

The Journey Begins

My name is Ines. Today is my 56th birthday and I decided to create this blog to give a voice to my coqui soul.

I call it coqui soul because I am from Puerto Rico. The coqui is a tiny frog native from Puerto Rico. It serves as a national symbol for Puerto Rico. As a native Puerto Rican, I strongly identify with the coqui. Thus, I’m calling this site My Coqui Soul project, as the purpose of this journey is to discover my Puerto Rican – coqui – soul.

I was born and lived in Puerto Rico until I graduated from college. Then I moved to Michigan in 1984 to attend graduate school. I now live in Michigan.

After 34 years from leaving the island, I still relate deeply to the coqui. I’m Puerto Rican by birth and feel that I will always be Puerto Rican in my soul.

For the last several years, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. I guess you can say that I have been going through mid-life crisis. A lot of things have happened that triggered my exploration. I have been thinking a lot about who I am. Not superficially, but who I truly am. I have been searching for my soul.

This blog gives a voice to my coqui soul. I will be sharing my thoughts, my emotions. and the many life lessons learned along the way. I hope that you join me in this journey. Maybe you can relate to my observations. I hope you can also reflect as you listen and even learn something about yourself. I hope my journey can evolve into your own journey.

Welcome to my blog — My Coqui Soul Project

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton