I Miss You, Papi – The Unimaginable

I found the title of this post in my iPad.  Just the title, no additional words.  I think I meant to write something about my dad – Papi – some time ago (maybe before my trip to Puerto Rico), but maybe I got too emotional and never got to it. Papi is an endearing name that we use to call ‘dad’ in the Spanish language.  I didn’t want to trash the title, so I decided to write today.  I miss Papi a lot, all the time.  Losing my dad feels unimaginable.

I always get emotional when I think about my dad. I miss him. I didn’t talk with him every day.  Mostly weekly – that’s about the frequency that I have resorted to by the time he passed.  I used to call my parents in Puerto Rico about twice a week – maybe more frequently if there was something I wanted to share.  But as my life in Michigan developed – becoming a married woman with a career and a lot of other things going on – the frequency changed.

I was just listening to one of the songs from Hamilton, the musical, and I ended up thinking about my dad.  The song – ‘It’s Quiet Uptown’ – always makes me emotional. The song is about losing someone – the unimaginable.  I always end up thinking about my dad and end up crying.  I thought that trying to put some of my thoughts in writing might help calm me down, so here I am writing.

How I miss my dad?  I miss that he doesn’t exist anymore in the physical world. I miss that I can’t pick up the phone and call him.  I will never be able to hear him again, or his very unique laugh. I will never be able to touch him or look into his eyes.  I always thought I had his eyes…

I was a daddy’s girl.  I was the first born and was always at his side while growing up.  I used to watch him working on the car – he loved cars and I do too.  Maybe he missed having a boy at his side to teach all the car stuff, but he never said that.  I observed him every day as he was taking care of the car – he dusted the car every day – and the love for cars is something I learned from him.

I was very attached to my dad.  I never liked losing sight of him.  I would get mad.  My parents always tell me the story of when my dad was leaving for a baseball game – the baseball field was walking distance from our house – and how I started crying to such a degree that he took me with him to the game.  I also remembered how everyone said that I walked fast.  It was not that I was walking fast, necessarily, but that I learned the fast stride from walking next to my dad.  He was a fast walker. Every time I realize that I’m walking fast, I remember him.

My dad was a joker.  Always finding a way to make a joke about life situations.  We didn’t always laugh, but he never gave up to try to make us laugh.  I remember about how he used to compare people, especially when he was watching television.  He would joke that someone looked like somebody else or something else.  Sometimes his comparisons were horrible and we will tell him so.  But it didn’t matter, because he would make us laugh anyway.  I also joke sometimes and I now realize that maybe I inherited that gene from my dad.

There are so many things that we inherit from our parents.  I know I can probably come up with a long list.  But for now, I just wanted to think about a few, and mostly remember my dad.  I wish he would still exist and that I could hear his voice.  But that is not possible. I will just have to remember the memories and his laughter.  I will just have to keep thinking that his soul still exists and that he is still around me keeping watch over me – just like I was always around him, keeping watch over him when I was a little girl.

I love you, Papi!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Still Puerto Rican

(My first piece for my writing class, from 2016)

I am arriving in Puerto Rico today and I feel this immense pounding force in my chest, like part of my soul is awakening and need to come out.  Looking through the window of the plane, I see the green rolling hills, the beach, the blue sky and puffy clouds, and the sun that you can almost touch.  My heart palpitates, and suddenly an amazing burst of feelings follows… happiness, and after some contemplation, sorrow.  With the feelings comes an array of thousand thoughts and an immense need to share… And that is how I decided to write this story.

Only someone from Puerto Rico can truly understand what I mean or what I feel.  I want to explore these feelings and write about them so I can better understand myself and so I can share my journey of discovery.  My hope is that you will learn something about me and maybe even discover something about yourself.

The dichotomy of my story – how I so completely adapted to my new home and life in Ann Arbor, and how much the feelings of my homeland, Puerto Rico, are still inside me and rush to the surface as soon as I approach “La Isla del Encanto.”  The duality of being Puerto Rican.  The internal forces that pull in different directions when you are watching a basketball game between United States and Puerto Rico.  These dormant feelings hide in a little corner of my mind and heart, but they are certainly real and powerful.  These familiar feelings also come rushing when I listen to “El Gran Combo,” or watch Miss Universe.  There is a duality, but maybe I don’t have to pick a side, maybe I can survive in both worlds.

There is a balance inside me that I feel has shifted toward my current life – because I have adapted so much, so completely to my life with my loving husband in Ann Arbor (who reminds me about how much I enjoy running in cold weather).  But somehow, that balance shifts very strongly the other way telling me that I am still, and will always be, very much Puerto Rican.

 

How I Started to Seriously Consider Writing

On April 21, 2016, I looked at a brochure of public classes given through my local recreation and education department.  I saw a class listed – The Craft of Creative Writing Workshop – and decided to register for it.  I read the description of the class and I said to myself, why not?  The description included non-fiction and that is something that I have always be interested in.  The class had actually started the day before, so I was hoping that they would allow me to join, even though I was late in registering.  So I went through the registration process and – voila!  I was in!

And that’s how I got hooked and started my serious writing phase.  I have always love to write and I had journals and notes that I have kept throughout the years.  But the writing class that I started in 2016 pushed me to seriously consider writing and sharing my work with others.

Writing was comforting to me, especially when I was going through tough times.  I have always used writing as my venting mechanism.  I have vented a lot during a couple of years prior to the class and have been thinking about putting it all together and writing a book.  So, here was my chance to begin pursuing my dream of writing.

I remembered calling my husband after I registered.  I was so happy!

Because I have missed the first class, I contacted the instructor to find out more about the class and what I missed.  I remembered asking her about how the class/workshop fit into writing non-fiction, as that was my main interest.  She ensured me that the class would be helpful for all types of writing, as the focus was on the techniques of good writing.  She told me not to worry about missing the first class, sent me the materials and homework, and welcomed me to the class.

I proceeded to write my first piece for the class – a one pager introducing some of the themes of a potential book that was in my mind.  The title of the piece is ‘I’m still Puerto Rican’ – see link below.

I’m Still Puerto Rican

 

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – My Emotional Journey

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense.  If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I was fortunate to be able to get tickets to see Hamilton while I was in Puerto Rico. The Hamilton production in Puerto Rico included Lin-Manuel Miranda, its creator, playing the main character. Lin-Manuel played Hamilton when it opened in Broadway, but he has not played the role for many years. Lin-Manuel’s family is from Puerto Rico and he decided to bring the hit musical to support Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. In fact, Lin-Manuel started a fund to support arts in Puerto Rico, including the restoration of the theater of the University of Puerto Rico that was damaged by the Hurricane. Eventually, the musical was moved to another venue – the Centro de Bellas Artes – but the restoration work at the University was done and will be critical to bringing other world-renowned events to Puerto Rico.

I have written before about the impact of Hamilton in my life. I saw Hamilton for the first time in Chicago in December 2017, for my 55th birthday. The musical was not only inspirational, but life changing. I relate to Hamilton as an immigrant from the Caribbean. I also relate to Hamilton in a lot of other characteristics – his passionate fervor for expressing his ideas and speaking his mind, even if creating discord; his love for writing; his continuous energy (non-stop) and inability to stay put and relax, always doing something; and many other things.

I connected with Hamilton instantly. I’m sure that the fact that Lin-Manuel, a Puerto Rican, was the creator of it had to do a lot with my connection. However, it was a lot more than that. I connected with the historical personality and the passion of the character visualized by Lin-Manuel through his written words.

After seeing Hamilton, I wanted to be him! I wanted to rebel. I wanted to speak up, express my thoughts, and write. I wanted to not waste any more time. I wanted to rise up again.

This is my third time seeing Hamilton. The second time was in New York (May 2018). But none of the previous times compare to seeing Lin-Manuel playing Hamilton in Puerto Rico. It was a very emotional journey. I have been wanting to see Hamilton in Puerto Rico since I heard that it was being planned. I closely monitored the news as they developed waiting for the opportunity to get tickets. It was more than a year of wait, but I was fortunate enough to get tickets through the Foundation that supported Hamilton in Puerto Rico, not only getting tickets to the event, but also having the opportunity to make a donation to support the arts in the island.

It was a long wait, but it was worth it. Seeing Lin-Manuel at the theater in Puerto Rico was unreal. It was like a dream. My husband and I have seen videos of Lin-Manuel playing in the original cast of Hamilton, so we have some visuals. I also listen to the soundtrack all the time, especially when I run. But this time, it was real. It was not a video or a soundtrack. It was Lin-Manuel in person, in front of us, singing the songs and speaking the words that have been ingrained in my mind for more than a year. After Chicago, I bought t-shirts for my husband and me with the phrase: ‘my thoughts have been replaced by Hamilton lyrics.’ It is true! I wake up in the morning thinking about the lyrics. I find myself humming the songs at all times of the day. Hamilton lyrics are truly always on my mind.

There are no words to describe the emotions I felt when I saw Lin-Manuel in the stage for the first time. There are no words to describe the emotions of hearing the lyrics sung by Lin-Manuel only a few feet from us. My emotions overwhelmed me. I usually cry when I listen to the soundtrack, as there are a few very sad songs. But at the theater, I was sobbing. I could not control my tears, coming down my cheeks in buckets full.

Seeing Hamilton in Puerto Rico was emotional at many levels and I will never forget.

Thank you Lin-Manuel for allowing me to experience Hamilton in my native Puerto Rico.

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – Ines Refuted, Love Restored

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense.  If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I have written about my feelings about Puerto Rico during my recent trip during the Holidays (Dec 2018-Jan 2019).

I went through a roller coaster of emotions. My elderly mom lives in Puerto Rico and it is always sad to see her deterioration. Her memory is failing. She is otherwise stable, but it is hard to see your parent aging and not able to do anything about it. This trip was even more difficult as I was trying to help my elderly uncle, who doesn’t have anyone to take care of him. I was dealing with business systems in Puerto Rico trying to solve issues, but it was hard for me to deal with some of the mentality of the people that I encountered.

I spent some tough days wondering about my place in Puerto Rico. I wanted to belong. I wanted to feel connected. But somehow the negative experiences trying to help my uncle with his care really deflated my spirit. I was down and I felt defeated. But the most frustrating part was that I had a lot of expectations for this trip. As part of my journey of self-discovery, I expected my coqui soul to feel welcomed, connected, and embraced. While dealing with the issues in Puerto Rico, I did not have those feelings and I felt very disappointed and even shameful for not finding that connection.

But then I followed the news about the preparations for Hamilton in Puerto Rico. Lin-Manuel and his parents were in Puerto Rico and the newspapers and television shows had reports about the Miranda family almost daily. This was a big event for the island. Everyone in the island was excited about the musical and so was I. Suddenly listening to Lin-Manuel and his parents changed my perspective. They were so proud and so happy to be in Puerto Rico. They showcased the goodness of the Puerto Ricans and their invincible spirit, especially after dealing with the deadly Hurricane Maria at the end of 2017. Puerto Ricans not only survived but did it with dignity and perseverance. Listening to others speaking about Puerto Rico awaken the coqui soul again. I started to feel part of something. I started to connect again with my native land. I started to see a different side – a positive side – that has been masked by the recent negative experiences dealing with my elderly relatives.

Somehow, my perspective was refuted by Lin-Manuel. I stand corrected, Lin-Manuel. I have feelings for Puerto Rico. I have emotions that generate from my family and upbringing in Puerto Rico. Suddenly the love for my culture, my people, and my land surfaced again through Hamilton in Puerto Rico. My coqui soul is alive and does not want to forget its roots. My love for Puerto Rico is restored thanks to my experience of Hamilton in Puerto Rico and Lin-Manuel.

Ines refuted. Love restored.

Furloughed

I work for the federal government and my agency is currently experiencing a shutdown.  That means that I’m furloughed – which in simple words means that I’m not allowed to work and thus, I’m not receiving a paycheck.

The furlough started while I was in Puerto Rico for the Holidays.  Today is day 26 of the government shutdown with no end in sight.

If you follow up the politics you know that the President didn’t fund the government, as he didn’t get the billions of dollars that he was asking to build a wall between the United States and Mexico.  The topic of the wall has been a difficult one for me to deal with since Trump was promising a wall when he was campaigning for the Presidency.  Even before Trump became President, his comments about immigrants from Mexico and other Hispanic countries were offensive and discriminatory.  Nothing has changed since then.

In my opinion, the views about Mexican and other Hispanic immigrants and the fear that Trump is trying to create by saying that we need a wall is nothing more than an attempt to prevent people in need to come to this country and earn a decent living.  Immigrants are not taking jobs from Americans.  However, most of them have brown skin and that in my opinion, is the biggest reason why immigrants from Mexico and South America are been discriminated against.  To me this is the same old racism that has existed in the United States since its beginnings.  I thought there was progress about acceptance of diversity in this country.  However, the actions of Trump and his supporters during his campaign and now during his Administration tells me that racial discrimination in this country is alive and well.  Trump has not only offended minorities, but has opened the door to blatant racism and discriminatory language in this country.

I would like to get my job back and would also like to get paid for my job.  However, I don’t support building the wall and as such, I’m willing to be furloughed for the cause.

 

A New Year – Welcome to My 2019 Life!

As I turn the page to 2019, I reflect on the past and look forward to the New Year.  Despite the ups and downs of last year, I’m proud and excited that the transition to the New Year aligned with the creating of My Coqui Soul Project blog.  This accomplishment not only symbolizes a great step toward my journey of self-discovery, but it also provides an avenue to express my thoughts through the journey.

I have been writing for years, here and there, throughout my life experiences.  There are notebooks that I started with the intention of creating a book someday. There are pieces that I created during a creative writing class that I took after my father passed away, including essays and poems.  And there are daily writings that accumulated in my iPhone and iPad notes.  With this blog, I now have a place where I can write and organize my thoughts with a purpose.  I don’t know where all this will lead me – a book of essays, a memoir, something else?  But what I know is that I’m not going to worry about the finish line.  I’m just going to work on the journey and let things develop from there.

It is refreshing to know that I’m in a different place from where I was in 2018.  I have a blog, I’m a published writer, and I have a voice.   I’m doing what I truly believe is my purpose.  I love writing.  It comes easy, not because there is no effort, but because I enjoy doing it and it doesn’t feel like work.  Writing comes naturally.  Writing gives me peace, even when I’m sharing tough issues.  Writing rejuvenates my soul and gives it a voice.  Having a voice is an important part of being.  Writing gives meaning to my life and my soul.

Welcome to the continuation of my journey of self-discovery.  I have so many things to say and share.  I hope you enjoy my company.

Cheers to the New Year!

 

 

Where I belong

After so many expectations thinking that coming to Puerto Rico was the key to the puzzle of my soul, my expectations were proven wrong. I thought I will discover the answers to my questions of belonging…but I was wrong.

The last couple of years as a Hispanic woman working under the Trump administration have been emotionally draining. I have felt that I didn’t belong in the United States. I felt that I needed to connect with my roots in Puerto Rico and be embraced by its warmth.

But those expectations were not met. Not even close…

I have been looking to belong in all the wrong places. I don’t belong in Puerto Rico or in the United States. How strange? I’m between places, like a vagabond or orphan.

After some thought, a possible answer emerged in front of me and suddenly something became clear.  Feelings of relief and peace rushed into my heart as I discovered a truth that was always present but somehow hidden from sight due to all the emotional distress of wanting to belong to a place.  The identity struggle have confused my soul journey. I realize that I don’t belong to a place or a location.  I don’t belong to Puerto Rico or the United States. My soul belongs to my soulmate, my sweetheart, my loving husband.

It doesn’t matter where I’m physically.  As long as I’m in my husband’s arms, I’m at home. That is where I belong and where I want to be, forever!

Between Two Places

My beautiful Puerto Rico… somehow I left you behind. I thought I would feel like coming home during this trip. Instead I feel like a transitory visitor, passing by and knowing that I will leave again. And today, as I leave my mom behind, I long not for going back but for moving forward with my life someplace else.

I had so many expectations this year as I was returning to Puerto Rico for Christmas. I was longing for a place to welcome and cradle my coqui soul. Instead I felt distant like a stranger. How could it be possible for me to feel that I don’t belong here in Puerto Rico?

Maybe these feelings are not real, but a defense mechanism to protect myself from the painful days that I endured in Puerto Rico trying to help my elderly uncle and dealing with Puerto Rico’s archaic and irrational business systems. It was traumatizing,

Leaving town now, I feel relieved and free.

Emptiness

It has been a tough week in Puerto Rico.  I had so many expectations of wanting to feel a connection, of wanting to belong.  But what I’m feeling today is completely opposite to what I wanted or expected.

I want to be honest, because only honesty can truly help me understand myself and who I am.  What I’m going to write next is pretty tough.  I have experienced such negative situations this last few days in Puerto Rico that my coqui soul feels deflated and dead.  I have spent days trying to help my elderly uncle (my dad’s brother) who needs assistance and doesn’t have anyone to take care of him.  In my attempt to solve business issues for my uncle I experienced the ‘way things are done’ in Puerto Rico and I realized that I clash with the Puerto Rican mindset.  I was trying my best to find rational and fair solutions to problems, but instead found a bureaucracy and mindset that relies on archaic and irrational business systems, where the customer is not the priority or respected.

I’m sure some other day I will write more about all this – the Puerto Rican business mindset – as this is not a new discovery.  I have had similar negative experiences trying to deal with medical and legal issues related to my parents in Puerto Rico.  The experiences, similar to this week’s issues with my uncle, have been traumatic.  Traumatic is a very strong word, but that is the true impact.  I feel defeated and hurt, and these feelings form the backdrop of what I’m writing below…

Emptiness and a hole in my coqui soul…

I’m desperately wanting to feel something, to feel connected, to feel that I belong. But those feelings are not there. I feel disconnected and empty. I’m watching a Puerto Rican television show in my mom’s living room and I could care less about the news about Puerto Rico or the reports about Christmas’ celebrations around the island. I feel nothing….

But that’s not quite true, I feel like I want to be somewhere else, like I’m trapped here in my home in Puerto Rico, that I don’t belong and that I want to escape to another place. I thought I would feel a strong connection, especially after thinking so much about being Puerto Rican and thinking that my soul journey will lead me here to my hometown of Ponce. But at this moment — after the traumatic experiences of this week trying to desperately help my uncle and navigate through archaic systems and behaviors that make no sense to me — what I expected is not happening. There is no connection to this place.  It is actually disturbing that I feel so empty.