I Miss You, Papi – The Unimaginable

I found the title of this post in my iPad. Just the title, no additional words. I think I meant to write something about my dad – Papi – some time ago (maybe before my trip to Puerto Rico), but maybe I got too emotional and never got to it. Papi is an endearing name that we use to call ‘dad’ in the Spanish language. I didn’t want to trash the title, so I decided to write today. I miss Papi a lot, all the time. Losing my dad feels unimaginable.

I always get emotional when I think about my dad. I miss him. I didn’t talk with him every day. Mostly weekly – that’s about the frequency that I have resorted to by the time he passed. I used to call my parents in Puerto Rico about twice a week – maybe more frequently if there was something I wanted to share. But as my life in Michigan developed – becoming a married woman with a career and a lot of other things going on – the frequency changed.

I was just listening to one of the songs from Hamilton, the musical, and I ended up thinking about my dad. The song – ‘It’s Quiet Uptown’ – always makes me emotional. The song is about losing someone – the unimaginable. I always end up thinking about my dad and end up crying. I thought that trying to put some of my thoughts in writing might help calm me down, so here I am writing.

How I miss my dad? I miss that he doesn’t exist anymore in the physical world. I miss that I can’t pick up the phone and call him. I will never be able to hear him again, or his very unique laugh. I will never be able to touch him or look into his eyes. I always thought I had his eyes…

I was a daddy’s girl. I was the first born and was always at his side while growing up. I used to watch him working on the car – he loved cars and I do too. Maybe he missed having a boy at his side to teach all the car stuff, but he never said that. I observed him every day as he was taking care of the car – he dusted the car every day – and the love for cars is something I learned from him.

I was very attached to my dad. I never liked losing sight of him. I would get mad. My parents always tell me the story of when my dad was leaving for a baseball game – the baseball field was walking distance from our house – and how I started crying to such a degree that he took me with him to the game. I also remembered how everyone said that I walked fast. It was not that I was walking fast, necessarily, but that I learned the fast stride from walking next to my dad. He was a fast walker. Every time I realize that I’m walking fast, I remember him.

My dad was a joker. Always finding a way to make a joke about life situations. We didn’t always laugh, but he never gave up to try to make us laugh. I remember about how he used to compare people, especially when he was watching television. He would joke that someone looked like somebody else or something else. Sometimes his comparisons were horrible and we will tell him so. But it didn’t matter, because he would make us laugh anyway. I also joke sometimes and I now realize that maybe I inherited that gene from my dad.

There are so many things that we inherit from our parents. I know I can probably come up with a long list. But for now, I just wanted to think about a few, and mostly remember my dad. I wish he would still exist and that I could hear his voice. But that is not possible. I will just have to remember the memories and his laughter. I will just have to keep thinking that his soul still exists and that he is still around me keeping watch over me – just like I was always around him, keeping watch over him when I was a little girl.

I love you, Papi!

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – My Emotional Journey

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I was fortunate to be able to get tickets to see Hamilton while I was in Puerto Rico. The Hamilton production in Puerto Rico included Lin-Manuel Miranda, its creator, playing the main character. Lin-Manuel played Hamilton when it opened in Broadway, but he has not played the role for many years. Lin-Manuel’s family is from Puerto Rico and he decided to bring the hit musical to support Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. In fact, Lin-Manuel started a fund to support arts in Puerto Rico, including the restoration of the theater of the University of Puerto Rico that was damaged by the Hurricane. Eventually, the musical was moved to another venue – the Centro de Bellas Artes – but the restoration work at the University was done and will be critical to bringing other world-renowned events to Puerto Rico.

I have written before about the impact of Hamilton in my life. I saw Hamilton for the first time in Chicago in December 2017, for my 55th birthday. The musical was not only inspirational, but life changing. I relate to Hamilton as an immigrant from the Caribbean. I also relate to Hamilton in a lot of other characteristics – his passionate fervor for expressing his ideas and speaking his mind, even if creating discord; his love for writing; his continuous energy (non-stop) and inability to stay put and relax, always doing something; and many other things.

I connected with Hamilton instantly. I’m sure that the fact that Lin-Manuel, a Puerto Rican, was the creator of it had to do a lot with my connection. However, it was a lot more than that. I connected with the historical personality and the passion of the character visualized by Lin-Manuel through his written words.

After seeing Hamilton, I wanted to be him! I wanted to rebel. I wanted to speak up, express my thoughts, and write. I wanted to not waste any more time. I wanted to rise up again.

This is my third time seeing Hamilton. The second time was in New York (May 2018). But none of the previous times compare to seeing Lin-Manuel playing Hamilton in Puerto Rico. It was a very emotional journey. I have been wanting to see Hamilton in Puerto Rico since I heard that it was being planned. I closely monitored the news as they developed waiting for the opportunity to get tickets. It was more than a year of wait, but I was fortunate enough to get tickets through the Foundation that supported Hamilton in Puerto Rico, not only getting tickets to the event, but also having the opportunity to make a donation to support the arts in the island.

It was a long wait, but it was worth it. Seeing Lin-Manuel at the theater in Puerto Rico was unreal. It was like a dream. My husband and I have seen videos of Lin-Manuel playing in the original cast of Hamilton, so we have some visuals. I also listen to the soundtrack all the time, especially when I run. But this time, it was real. It was not a video or a soundtrack. It was Lin-Manuel in person, in front of us, singing the songs and speaking the words that have been ingrained in my mind for more than a year. After Chicago, I bought t-shirts for my husband and me with the phrase: ‘my thoughts have been replaced by Hamilton lyrics.’ It is true! I wake up in the morning thinking about the lyrics. I find myself humming the songs at all times of the day. Hamilton lyrics are truly always on my mind.

There are no words to describe the emotions I felt when I saw Lin-Manuel in the stage for the first time. There are no words to describe the emotions of hearing the lyrics sung by Lin-Manuel only a few feet from us. My emotions overwhelmed me. I usually cry when I listen to the soundtrack, as there are a few very sad songs. But at the theater, I was sobbing. I could not control my tears, coming down my cheeks in buckets full.

Seeing Hamilton in Puerto Rico was emotional at many levels and I will never forget.

Thank you Lin-Manuel for allowing me to experience Hamilton in my native Puerto Rico.

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – Ines Refuted, Love Restored

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I have written about my feelings about Puerto Rico during my recent trip during the Holidays (Dec 2018-Jan 2019).

I went through a roller coaster of emotions. My elderly mom lives in Puerto Rico and it is always sad to see her deterioration. Her memory is failing. She is otherwise stable, but it is hard to see your parent aging and not able to do anything about it. This trip was even more difficult as I was trying to help my elderly uncle, who doesn’t have anyone to take care of him. I was dealing with business systems in Puerto Rico trying to solve issues, but it was hard for me to deal with some of the mentality of the people that I encountered.

I spent some tough days wondering about my place in Puerto Rico. I wanted to belong. I wanted to feel connected. But somehow the negative experiences trying to help my uncle with his care really deflated my spirit. I was down and I felt defeated. But the most frustrating part was that I had a lot of expectations for this trip. As part of my journey of self-discovery, I expected my coqui soul to feel welcomed, connected, and embraced. While dealing with the issues in Puerto Rico, I did not have those feelings and I felt very disappointed and even shameful for not finding that connection.

But then I followed the news about the preparations for Hamilton in Puerto Rico. Lin-Manuel and his parents were in Puerto Rico and the newspapers and television shows had reports about the Miranda family almost daily. This was a big event for the island. Everyone in the island was excited about the musical and so was I. Suddenly listening to Lin-Manuel and his parents changed my perspective. They were so proud and so happy to be in Puerto Rico. They showcased the goodness of the Puerto Ricans and their invincible spirit, especially after dealing with the deadly Hurricane Maria at the end of 2017. Puerto Ricans not only survived but did it with dignity and perseverance. Listening to others speaking about Puerto Rico awaken the coqui soul again. I started to feel part of something. I started to connect again with my native land. I started to see a different side – a positive side – that has been masked by the recent negative experiences dealing with my elderly relatives.

Somehow, my perspective was refuted by Lin-Manuel. I stand corrected, Lin-Manuel. I have feelings for Puerto Rico. I have emotions that generate from my family and upbringing in Puerto Rico. Suddenly the love for my culture, my people, and my land surfaced again through Hamilton in Puerto Rico. My coqui soul is alive and does not want to forget its roots. My love for Puerto Rico is restored thanks to my experience of Hamilton in Puerto Rico and Lin-Manuel.

Ines refuted. Love restored.

Cheering myself up through Hamilton

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

Work has been very hard lately. I have felt like I ran out of steam. Or maybe I should say that I am running out of steam, to be a bit hopeful that maybe there is some steam left?

Hamilton, the musical, helped restart the engine, the light, the steam!

There has been so many things happening during the last couple of years. They have been painful years…Trump won the election and became President two years ago. I work for a federal agency whose mission has not been supported by the new Administration. In addition, I’m a Hispanic woman and Hispanics and minorities have been attacked in the public arena. It has felt like my life has gone through an emotional roller coaster. Maybe not a roller coaster, because there were more ‘downs’ than ‘ups.’ A tumultuous couple of years – defining years- as I will figure out and reflect again about my purpose. There were a lot of down times – sadness, fear, uncertainty. My confidence shaken, a feeling of loss of value. I have felt belittled, insulted, offended as a minority Hispanic woman in the United States, and an immigrant. At times I felt hopeless, depressed, lost. It has taken me a couple of years to recover, to be where I am today.

To better understand where I am today, I feel like I need to look back, re-examine, re-evaluate, pick-up the pieces to be whole again, find the lessons that were given through times of desperation, find my worth and value again, rediscover who I am, my purpose, my gift. I need to take a SHOT at life and pursue my life purpose – WRITING!

What does Hamilton have to do with all this? A lot…

Running out of steam…I know how that feels like. But I can get up again…RISE UP! I have been there. I know I can do it. I can make it to the finish line.

“Set up your eyes on what lies ahead after the finish line – not what you have to go through to make it to the finish line.” — IS

There might be pain, but your mind can take you to the finish line. It’s like running a marathon! Every time I think about the marathon, a smile appears in my face. That was such an accomplishment. Such Sisu! Sisu is a Finnish word that is hard to translate to English. It means something like being gutsy or determined. But in reality it is a lot more than that. (I will be writing more on the Finnish connection later).

When I ran the Detroit marathon years ago, I collapsed twice! Think about it. Not once, but twice! But I got up – RISE UP! – and I finished the marathon ‘standing’ with a smile on my face that was recorded by the photographer at the finish line. How in the world did that happened? It happened because of who I am. I am persistent. I am passionate, gutsy. I never give up when something is on the line. So there is a no reason to give up, regardless of the pain and suffering experienced some days. The journey to the finish line will always have ups and downs. But having a goal in mind will take me to the finish line and beyond – retirement and maybe a book as an outcome of this blog! It will happen because I will not give up. I might feel like collapsing, like running out of steam, but I will get up – RISE UP!

I WILL NOT THROW AWAY MY SHOT!

My Shot! I want to be Hamilton!

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

Funny how things appear in your path and impact your life….destiny? Serendipity?

A little over a year has passed since my 55th birthday. That birthday started a seed that now I’m finally beginning to see grow into this blog that I started on my 56th birthday.

For my 55th birthday, I went to Chicago to see ‘Hamilton: An American Musical.’ I was filled with excitement. It seemed that every other soul, but my husband and I, has seen Hamilton – the most popular musical in many years. I knew a little about the musical, but mostly that it was very popular in Broadway and that his creator was from a family from Puerto Rico. The creator was Lin-Manuel Miranda. Beyond that, I didn’t know much about the story line or everything else about the book from which the musical was based on. Actually, I didn’t even know that there was a book until after I saw the musical. I have heard that the musical was awesome, great from co-workers and news. Because of my lack of knowledge, I thought it was a good idea to read/learn a bit about ‘Hamilton’ before heading to Chicago. I didn’t want to be lost during the performance. As my husband and I were waiting for the train to Chicago, I went to Wikipedia. The article was short and I got a taste for what was to come, as I read and share with my husband the ‘cliff notes’ for ‘Hamilton.’ Thank you Wikipedia!

Nothing out there could have prepared me for what was to come…. My experience was out of this world. I felt connected to the musical in a way that I still can’t quite fully describe or explain. It was such an emotional experience. There were so many similarities…Is this why I felt an immediate connection?

Hamilton – an immigrant from the Caribbean – was working hard against all odds to become a founding father. Fast forwarding more than two centuries, I found my life reflected in front of me as I was watching the musical. From that day on, the lyrics are always on my mind!

I felt so much pride when I saw ’Hamilton.’ But it was so much more…the Puerto Rico connection (the hurricane)…the immigrant…the passion…the search for something more…the feeling that there is a purpose…the need for something more…the idea of not giving up… (Non-stop)…the inexplicable fire in my chest and head of thousands of thoughts/words wanting to come out…the love of writing…the love of writing!

My SHOT! What an inspiration! What about my shot? What is supposed to be my place in history?

RISE UP! Don’t give up! Don’t give up your dream. What is supposed to be my legacy? What am I leaving behind after I’m gone? Is this the reason why I’m coming back to writing? I want to leave something behind, something for posterity – my legacy? But it is so much more than that….Hamilton fired up my engine again. Hamilton lit up a fire within me that I was struggling to keep alive.

I have been down lately – depressed? I have been searching for answers, searching for inspiration, searching for a reason to go on, searching for happiness, searching for ‘my purpose.’

JUST YOU WAIT!

It is up to me to do what I want, to follow my dream…to write! I love it. This is the one thing that comes without effort. I have so many thoughts that I want to share. It feels so good to write them. They flow freely and I can’t contain them. Why should I? I should go back to writing. It really doesn’t matter what happens with my writings. Let the future, my destiny, evolve…Let the happiness…

RISE UP!

I have been talking (writing) about finding my purpose for a while. I’m not waiting any longer.

DON’T THROW AWAY YOUR SHOT!

We only have one life. I should pursue my purpose, my happiness, my freedom. I need to lead my life. It is all up to me, not to others. It is not about my job. It is about what I do with my free time. What I pursue because it brings me joy, not because I have to, but because I want to.

Hamilton brought hope, re-alignment, re-focus, pride – an immigrant from the Caribbean achieving greatness/success. Hamilton shook my core and my soul, but in a positive way. Hamilton reminded me that our ‘inside forces’ are stronger than ‘outside factors.’ That drive, passion, and perseverance can move mountains. That achievement is self-driven, not given. Hamilton reminded me that I too can write and express myself and do it because I ‘feel’ those feelings and I have the thoughts. The thoughts and feelings are real because they are mine. No one can tell me otherwise. My purpose and goal is not to convince, but to be honest and true to myself – to be something more than what’s in sight, to give a voice to my soul, to experience the freedom and happiness that comes from being myself. There is a ‘purity’ (wholesomeness) that comes with the freedom of expression – an indescribable feeling of giving ‘life’ to your soul. It is like an adventure in exploring oneself in a way that no one else can, without doubts, regrets…let the pen flow, guide you, be honest, be true, be pure, be you!

DON’T THROW AWAY YOUR SHOT!

Maybe I’m not writing a novel, an autobiography, a memoir. Maybe I’m just supposed to write my thoughts, ideas. Maybe they are valuable to others? But even if they are not…they are valuable to me and they need to come out…they need to be written down. Doing anything short of that would be like killing my soul, like drowning the beauty of freedom, like betraying myself, my life, who I am, my purpose, my SHOT!

I’M NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT!

This is my revolution! This is my time! This is my happiness! This is my path! This is my purpose. This is me!