My Nesting Period

The last time I wrote it was February – six months ago! February was a big milestone month for my husband and I. In addition to celebrating our anniversary – the date we met – we also reached a big milestone with our home – our house became ours! Our mortgage was paid off!

What a relief. It felt amazing to know that we reached this huge milestone together. We did several refinancing moves, leading to the shortening of the mortgage period. This was one of the best decisions we made. I had to thank my sister and brother-in-law for the discussion we had many years ago when they shared with us that they had refinanced to shorten the period of their mortgage. Because of that discussion, my husband and I decided to do the same when we had the chance.

So what all this has to do with my hiatus from writing? A lot! After paying our mortgage, we decided that it was time to pay attention to our home. Although we were not envisioning a major remodeling, we wanted to ‘refresh’ our home. So that’s what’s being happening during the last six months.

It’s funny how one idea leads to another and soon you find yourself with multiple projects. You start working in one area of the house and then the adjacent area calls for attention. And so it happens that we ended up doing a lot more than what we originally anticipated.

Little by little, my whole attention went to the house and the millions of ideas of things I wanted to do. I became drawn to everything ‘home’ and spent every minute exploring ideas and creating new ones. It was a challenge to keep everything within a reasonable budget, so I also spent a lot of time doing research.

I call my experience going through a ‘nesting’ period. I love our house and it felt so good to pay attention to it again. It felt so good to think about our home and how to improve it for our future. We enjoyed every minute we spent making our house better, prettier, and more comfortable for us – cementing our future into a place that will sustain us for many years to come.

I felt like I was building our future nest. Dealing with all the home improvement challenges gave me an immense amount of comfort and peace.

One of my favorite projects was to update our sunroom. We put new floors, bought some new furniture pieces, re-purposed old pieces, and added a few new accents. The sunroom is now my oasis. The sunroom makes me smile every time I sit in my favorite chair. My soul is embraced with warmth, joy, and love. I look forward to spending many hours in my favorite room in our home – my nesting place.

My thoughts in 1984 – A time capsule found

Last week, as I was digging into a drawer, I found a time capsule from 1984. My discovery, as I opened the pink binder adorned with flowers, was exhilarating. Inside the binder were traces of my life from 35 years ago. More astounding were the memories that took life again as I opened the treasure.

The year 1984 marked important events in my life. I graduated from college in Puerto Rico that year. I also transitioned into my new life in Michigan, as I departed Puerto Rico to attend graduate school. These two very important events were forever linked into the binder, reflecting a turn in my life that will forever change me. Or maybe not?

What was perplexing is that while going through the pieces of paper that I carefully folded and kept for years to come, I discovered that my soul has not changed. Despite the many life turns and experiences during 35 years, I could easily relate to my feelings in 1984, as if time has not passed.

I felt overwhelming joy and melancholy at the same time. I was happy to re-discover friendships impressed in greeting cards from my college days in Puerto Rico and from those who I met in graduate school. I recognized all the names, but some are not part of my life today, bringing sadness and longing.

I read a poem from a friend, releasing emotions not forgotten. I also read a letter meant for my college friends as I said goodbye – the paper and ink intact. The letter touched on the many feelings of friendship that I so much wanted to leave for posterity in a piece of paper locked away in the binder. I could not remember if I ever sent the letter to my friends. The letter was full of emotion. Did I had the courage to share it with my friends? My memory failed to recall what I did, so I decided to send them the letter last week, as a reminder of my lasting love and friendship.

The binder also unveiled small cutouts with thoughts written by others. As I read the words of wisdom, a puzzle started to come together. The cutouts were from newsletters from my dorm during my first semester at the University of Michigan. Since I was a teenager, I have always liked to collect quotes. I found comfort in reading quotes that connected with my own thoughts. It was as if strangers could read my mind – knowing who I was or wanted to be. I ended up with a notebook full of reflections from poets and writers. The notebook was left behind in my bedroom in Puerto Rico. However, the urge to preserve words of wisdom, which aligned with my own beliefs, never left me. Thus, it was not a surprise that I have continued to collect written quotes that appeared in a hidden corner of the dorm newsletter – the section entitled ‘fuzzy words.’

As I relived the memories, a realization came to mind. The letters and cutouts from 1984 revealed a love for writing that has always being part of my soul. The letter to my friends showed me that I always yearned to put my thoughts on paper, wanting to capture and preserve the fragile and elusive feelings of my soul. The cutouts from the dorm newsletters illustrated my fascination for the written word.

I have always found magic in writing. In a mystical turn of the universe, I find myself today where I was in 1984 – listening to my soul and writing my thoughts and feelings in this blog.

Because you – the reader – are also part of my journey, I wanted to share some of the quotes that I discovered in the binder. They opened a window to where I was in 1984. But they also connect with who I am today. The quotes have a way to awaken the character and desires of my soul.

I hope you enjoy the quotes below, as much as I did reading them again. I also hope that you can find inspiration for your own journey. Enjoy!

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it — and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again, and that is well; but she will never sit on a cold one anymore.” — Mark Twain

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a little bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden path, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Why didn’t you walk around the hole,” asked the Tin Woodsman. “I don’t know enough,” replied the Scarecrow cheerfully, “my head is stuffed with straw, you know, and that is why I am going to Oz to ask him for some brains.” “Oh, I see. But, after all, brains are not the best things in the world,” said the Tin Woodsman. “Have you have any?” inquired the Scarecrow. “No, my head is quite empty,” answered the Woodsman, “but once I had brains, and a heart also; so having tried both, I should rather have a heart.” — The Wizard of Oz

“You may not see it now,” said the Princess of Pure Reason, looking knowingly at Milo’s puzzled face, “but whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way….”And it’s much the same with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer.” — Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth

“And remember, also,” added the Princess of Sweet Rhyme, “that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you’ll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow.” — Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth

Our Anniversary – Serendipity

My husband and I celebrated our anniversary yesterday, as we do every year. This is not the usual wedding anniversary, but a celebration of the day we met – February 12, 1993.

It has been 26 years since we met at a St. Valentine’s party at the clubhouse of the apartment complex where we both lived. It was a wintry night. I remembered vividly what I was wearing. I loved my creamy white sweater that my sister gave me for my birthday a couple of months before – perfect for the cold February night. I also wore a long golden chain necklace with an iridescent white oval pendant – also a gift from my sister to accompany my birthday sweater.

Saturday night arrived and I did not have anything else to do, so I went to the party. I do not remember how much debate went on my mind before I decided to attend. I would not consider myself the ‘social’ type, so I do not remember me going to many gatherings at the clubhouse. Maybe this was the only one? But it did not matter what happened before that night or how much thought went into my decision. The truth is that destiny was taking hold of my life and serendipity was my guide.

There were a few dozen people at the party. Some came and went quickly after going through the food line. Others lingered. I do not remember the crowd, but I will never forget the moment when my life changed forever. I met my soul mate.

I remember sitting in the living room area of the clubhouse, with maybe three or four people around me. We were introducing ourselves and suddenly I heard four words that raised my level of attention.

“I am from Idaho,” my (now) husband said.

And that was the start of our soul relationship. Not many people know about Idaho, but I did. I lived in Idaho a couple of years after graduating from graduate school. I have just recently returned back to Michigan when we met. In fact, I lived in the same town where my husband was from. And it got even more astonishing as we continued to talk through the night. Everyone else around us began to disappear as my senses focused on only one person in the room.

It was serendipity. We do not have any doubts about that. We were meant to meet at that particular time and place. We learned that we worked at the same company and office building in Idaho for several months during the summer of 1992, when my husband was doing a summer internship. He worked for a different department, but our sections were not that far apart in the building. In fact, when he described one of the summer projects, I remembered seeing a display about it. But we never met there. It was not the right time. Then we started exchanging names of friends and acquaintances from Idaho. Later on I learned that my previous boss in Idaho knew my father-in-law relatively well. One more thing. I found out that my father-in-law also worked for the same company.

After the wondrous evening, we began to realize that we have shared personal connections that were hard to believe or understand, if not for their magical meaning. We never met in Idaho because it would not have worked then. Many of my friends and family questioned why I took the job in Idaho. Now I know, and they know, why. I needed to be in Idaho so I can experience my husband’s hometown in preparation for our fateful meeting on February 12, 1993. I liked my job in Idaho very much. I learned a lot and I was able to use my expertise in a meaningful way. But after a couple of years, I felt that I needed to come back to Michigan. Something was pulling me back. Destiny was waiting for the right moment to spell its magic. And it happened on that evening where two soul mates met.

Beyond the circumstances surrounding the Idaho connection, we also realized that there was a very small window of opportunity for our souls to bond. My husband closed on the house that we live in a week after we met. He had already decided to move on from the apartment and had put an offer on a house. I did not exist in his life when he bought the house. He was prepared to take the big step of home ownership as a single man. If it was not for the stars aligning on February 12, we probably would not have met. It was meant to be on that day. I popped up in my husband’s life just in time, and the rest is history.

We started dating immediately. He asked me to a hockey game – my first hockey game ever! He brought me a hockey sweatshirt for me to wear to the game. I still have the sweatshirt! We went to movies, dinners, antique shows, car shows, jazz concerts, and many other events. He got me involved in car racing, although I already had a soft spot for cars because of my dad. The love of cars was yet one other thing we had in common. We became, and still are, inseparable. We enjoyed each other’s company during our dating years – and still do today. There are many things that I would like to write about our love relationship. I will get into more details later. For now, I wanted to focus on how we met.

I have always believed in magic. I believe that the unbelievable is possible. I believe in the impossible. I believe that there is a force in the universe that sometimes gives a nudge to make things happen just right. We were blessed by that magic.

My husband and I are soul mates. We were meant to be together. We believe that our love is special and forever. After 26 years together, we still hold hands, we kiss in public, we embrace each other, we hug, and we express our love in as many ways as we can. Our eyes are always gazing at each other as they did the first time when we met. “I love you” are the most frequently words that we tell each other every day, always with a kiss, at the beginning and end of each day. With those words, we pay tribute and gratitude to the single point in time where our souls met and our lives became one.

And that is why we celebrate the day we met. Nothing else would have been possible if not for that blissful day in our love history.

Thank you Universe! Cheers to Serendipity!

My First Dream – In Memory of My Dad

I shared earlier that after my dad passed, I was hoping to dream about him because I missed him so much. My dad’s passing was very tough emotionally. I experienced different grieving phases – a roller coaster of ups and downs. It felt unbearable when I was going through the first days, weeks, and months.

Even many months after his passing I would still get very sad when I thought about him or saw him in pictures, especially the one in my living room taken during the 50th wedding anniversary of my parents. This particular picture is very dear to me, but also brought the most melancholy. It made me sad – still does – to remember that my dad only exists through memories and pictures.

Slowly things got better. Time helps. It is true. Sadness never abandoned me, but I was able to control my emotions and tears while looking at him and remembering his love through the pictures.

“While you are grieving, when you are feeling the deep pain of losing a loved one, you don’t believe that time will actually help. But time helps… It is true.” –IS

I had an obsessive desire to dream about him. I wanted to see him again. I knew I could only do that in my dreams. The desire grew stronger and stronger with time. I would think about this before going to bed. I would talk myself to sleep while thinking about my dad. Frustration grew stronger as my dream never materialized. Maybe I had dreams but those were elusive as my consciousness awoke every morning. My dad was on my thoughts all the time and I couldn’t understand how could I not dream about him? Regardless of how much my dad overwhelmed my thoughts, he was not part of my dreams. The awareness of a dream never happened. The story never changed until after eight months to the exact day of his passing.

Suddenly my excitement was overcome by tears, as my husband’s alarm clock went off. My husband got out of bed and went to the bathroom to take a shower – his normal morning routine. I stayed in bed that morning, as I was trying to get a bit more sleep and let myself drift back to the dream. Time was suddenly frozen – seconds, minutes, became eternal. My husband came back to the room to wake me up. As my consciousness awoke, I realized that I had seen him. It happened. I desperately tried to go back to sleep again, the dream was gone. I felt such happiness and sadness at the same time. I was happy to see my dad, but sad again as I realized that he was gone from my life. Tears rushed in. As I woke up, I rushed to catch the glimpses of the dream, desperately trying to put the pieces together – collecting and deciphering the tangled but delicate threads of thoughts that were populating my awakening consciousness. It worked. I was able to re-build my wonderful and only dream.

The location of the dream was hard to pinpoint. It started as a house. Maybe my parents’ house? The first person that appeared in the house was the lady who took care of my mom after my dad passed. She was dusting some shelves and I remembered being very hot – typical heat in Puerto Rico. The caretaker was wearing a light overcoat opened in the front, all buttons undone. I commented to her that there was no one else in the house so she should feel free to take the overcoat off, as it was so hot. Then the house slowly morphed into a wrought iron arbor framing a green field in front of a forest. I floated to the arbor. The caretaker was still in the house and then my sister came in the picture. I was concerned – distressed – as I was asking them about the whereabouts of my dad.

“We have been in the house for several days and I have not seen my dad,” I almost cried in desperation.

But no one else seemed to share my concern. I couldn’t understand why they were not worried about my dad, as he was missing.

Then my dad suddenly appeared in the field and walked toward the arbor. My grandpa passed by in the corner of my eye. My dad was young, maybe in his mid 30’s. His hair was black and he was as handsome as ever, with his usual perfectly trimmed mustache that he carried all his life. I recognized his clothes – maybe from memories of old pictures that I have seen growing up. His clothes matched the era – definitely the 60’s – striped loose brown pants with a loose short-sleeved buttoned shirt. Everything moved slowly, like in a dream. There was a mesmerizing calmness that permeated the air. As the picture of my dad became clearer, he stopped in the middle of the field and started throwing a baseball toward the forest. There was no one catching or returning the ball, but somehow he kept repeating his pitches – first some high balls and then some low ones. After several throws he then approached the arbor and I looked into his eyes. No words were exchanged. I was looking at him but it was like there was nobody there. His dark eyes uttered peacefulness. He sat down on one of the benches inside the arbor. Then a little brown-haired girl emerged on the bench across from my dad. She was wearing a white cotton dress with eyelets and ruffle details. As she leaned on the arbor bench she playfully looked at my dad. She shared my dad’s eyes. They were looking at each other communicating through their eyes.

I was the little girl and I found my dad. The peace spoke of eternity. I then slowly walked away, knowing that I finally found him and he was alright. He was not lost. He was there but also with me. His eyes told me so and I saw him with my own eyes. The memory ended.

I was so happy the day I dreamed about my dad. I smiled for days. I tried to repeat the dream but it was not meant to be. There was no need. I felt my dad’s presence. I saw that he was in a beautiful place. I know I will see him again…someday. And every time I feel sad, I can go back to the serenity of my dream.

My dad passed three years ago. As I remember him, it brings comfort to remember my dream.

“Dreams carry us through difficult times – never give up on your dreams.” — IS

Our House, Our Home

Today my husband and I reached a life milestone – the last payment of our home mortgage. We are so happy. This is one of those long milestones in your life that you dream about. It means so much to be able to celebrate the achievement of this goal at this stage of our life. We are overjoyed.

When you start your life together as a couple, searching for a house is usually the norm. But our life together did not follow the norm. When I met my husband, he was one week away from buying the house that we now own. The story of how we met is worth telling, but I will do that later at a future post. For now, I want to focus on the fact that we had a very narrow window to meet. When we met, we were both living at an apartment complex. Within a month or so, my husband moved out of the complex to the house that he purchased as a single man, which is the house that we now live in.

Thus, I never experienced the house hunting experience that couples usually go through. We met, we dated, we got married, and the house came up as part of the package of marrying my now husband.

The house needed a lot of work. My husband was looking for his first house. He was single. I was not in the picture when he picked the house. He used to watch home remodeling TV shows and he wanted a fixer upper project. I did not know anything about fixing a house. So after we got serious about our relationship, I realize that he did not intend to move anywhere else or find a different house together. He wanted to stay in the house and work on it.

At first, I was a little upset about this. I was dreaming about a new house – about going house hunting and searching for the house of my dreams. I felt that the right thing to do was to start over. The house my husband picked when he was single was not something that I would have go for. It was an old house. It needed a lot of work. It was not ours, but his. I did not feel any attachment to the house and it was difficult to accept that one of my dreams was not going to be realized. But I love the guy that I married and I went with it. I’m so glad I did!

Before we married – two and a half years after we met – we worked on fixing the house. I did not know anything about working on a house, but I learned very quickly. My husband has been watching remodeling TV shows, like ‘This Old House,’ for years and he could not wait to practice what he learned. I was completely lost, but little by little, I got the hang of it. Working on the house together was the beginning of our story. Slowly, the house started to grow on me. Slowly, I started to discover the gem my husband saw. Slowly, I started falling in love with the house.

The walls began to gently caress my heart and soul. The house embodied our love story. The old character was comforting and symbolic of the strength of our relationship getting stronger every day. I did not want a new house any more. I wanted to live in a place with roots and armor. A place that had defied the passing of time. A place with fortitude and dignity where our own history could develop with confidence and grace. A place where the warmth of the years past would welcome with open arms the new life ahead. A place where a house becomes a home.

The house stands today with pride, as we celebrate our life together in the place that we call home. It is an old house and we love every imperfection. It is like an old friend that welcomes us every day. We know every crevice, every plank of wood that carries our steps, every window that filters our view, every door greeting our arrival. The roof sheltering us from rain and snow. The walls quiet witnesses to our laughter and our sorrows. But more importantly, a home standing tall and strong as a reminder of our love.

I Miss You, Papi – The Unimaginable

I found the title of this post in my iPad. Just the title, no additional words. I think I meant to write something about my dad – Papi – some time ago (maybe before my trip to Puerto Rico), but maybe I got too emotional and never got to it. Papi is an endearing name that we use to call ‘dad’ in the Spanish language. I didn’t want to trash the title, so I decided to write today. I miss Papi a lot, all the time. Losing my dad feels unimaginable.

I always get emotional when I think about my dad. I miss him. I didn’t talk with him every day. Mostly weekly – that’s about the frequency that I have resorted to by the time he passed. I used to call my parents in Puerto Rico about twice a week – maybe more frequently if there was something I wanted to share. But as my life in Michigan developed – becoming a married woman with a career and a lot of other things going on – the frequency changed.

I was just listening to one of the songs from Hamilton, the musical, and I ended up thinking about my dad. The song – ‘It’s Quiet Uptown’ – always makes me emotional. The song is about losing someone – the unimaginable. I always end up thinking about my dad and end up crying. I thought that trying to put some of my thoughts in writing might help calm me down, so here I am writing.

How I miss my dad? I miss that he doesn’t exist anymore in the physical world. I miss that I can’t pick up the phone and call him. I will never be able to hear him again, or his very unique laugh. I will never be able to touch him or look into his eyes. I always thought I had his eyes…

I was a daddy’s girl. I was the first born and was always at his side while growing up. I used to watch him working on the car – he loved cars and I do too. Maybe he missed having a boy at his side to teach all the car stuff, but he never said that. I observed him every day as he was taking care of the car – he dusted the car every day – and the love for cars is something I learned from him.

I was very attached to my dad. I never liked losing sight of him. I would get mad. My parents always tell me the story of when my dad was leaving for a baseball game – the baseball field was walking distance from our house – and how I started crying to such a degree that he took me with him to the game. I also remembered how everyone said that I walked fast. It was not that I was walking fast, necessarily, but that I learned the fast stride from walking next to my dad. He was a fast walker. Every time I realize that I’m walking fast, I remember him.

My dad was a joker. Always finding a way to make a joke about life situations. We didn’t always laugh, but he never gave up to try to make us laugh. I remember about how he used to compare people, especially when he was watching television. He would joke that someone looked like somebody else or something else. Sometimes his comparisons were horrible and we will tell him so. But it didn’t matter, because he would make us laugh anyway. I also joke sometimes and I now realize that maybe I inherited that gene from my dad.

There are so many things that we inherit from our parents. I know I can probably come up with a long list. But for now, I just wanted to think about a few, and mostly remember my dad. I wish he would still exist and that I could hear his voice. But that is not possible. I will just have to remember the memories and his laughter. I will just have to keep thinking that his soul still exists and that he is still around me keeping watch over me – just like I was always around him, keeping watch over him when I was a little girl.

I love you, Papi!

My birthday 2018

December 3rd, 2018

Today I celebrated my 56th birthday. There is something very special about today, as I created and began my first blog.

I had a great day. I usually take the day off on my birthday, which I did today. It is a tradition for my husband to also take the day off. Sometimes we get out of town to celebrate, but today we stayed home. One of my favorite’s things to do is to be off on my birthday, get up late, and then go downtown. We didn’t have any specific plans, other than dinner, so we spent the day walking around, shopping a little, and just having a relaxing time with no schedule to follow.

We started the day by having a relaxed breakfast at home. My husband got up before me to decorate the house with colorful birthday banners and balloons. When he was done, he called me to come down to open presents and have breakfast.

We had celebrated the day before by going to the movies. I loved Bohemian Rhapsody, so my husband gave me the movie soundtrack for my birthday and he was playing it when I got up. After reading my beautiful birthday cards and opening gifts, we then slowly got ready for our day.

We did a lot of special little things. We had lunch at a famous lunch spot in downtown Ann Arbor that specializes in dogs and soups. They are only open for lunch during the week, so having the day off allowed us to go there for lunch. This was our first time at ‘Le Dog.’ Boy was it good! We both had two types of chili – white chicken chili and beef chili. They were delicious! The lunch spot is basically a stand, so everything is take out. We took our soups to a bench and had a wonderful lunch savoring the delicious soups. After lunch we just walked slowly from one end of town to another. We stopped at various stores – mostly window shopping, but also used the opportunity to do a bit of Christmas shopping. I admit that I also did a bit of shopping for myself. After all, it was my birthday! I found some good deals and felt great about getting a couple of things at great prices. We also stopped at our favorite bookstore and spent a lot of time looking at books. We can’t never go to the bookstore and get out quickly. We both loved books and it is so tempting to explore all the new books. We ended up buying a lot of books, some for gifts, but most for ourselves. My reading list keeps growing….

After shopping, we found our way back to where we started to have dinner at my favorite birthday restaurant. I have been going to the same restaurant for many years, even before I met my husband. I’m a traditionalist and always want to go back to the same restaurant and have the same dish – Paella. Yummy!

The restaurant is very special to me for two reasons. First, it is my traditional dinner spot to celebrate my birthday. Second, it is the place where we got engaged during my birthday many years ago. Thus, we now celebrate my birthday and our engagement anniversary.

I’m so blessed to have found the love of my life…and the restaurant brings back so many memories of our engagement. More on our engagement and my dear husband later.

For now, I want to bask some more on the great day I had with my loving husband and the relaxing time celebrating my birthday. A very special day indeed, when I stop and think about how lucky I am to share my life with my soulmate.

Tomorrow…back to work and back to the grind.