A Tale of Two Christmases

Today I’m heading to Puerto Rico for Christmas. It is funny that as I’m getting ready this morning, I find myself humming Christmas tunes. But not Christmas tunes from Puerto Rico, but American Christmas songs. ‘I’ll be home for Christmas’ was in my mind and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’m glad that I was humming songs, as that was a sign that I was somewhat relaxed.

It is always stressful to travel, especially when we are flying long distance, like to Puerto Rico. My husband and I were traveling for the Holidays for a long stay this time – three weeks – so packing was a challenge, especially when we only take carry-on luggage.

Thinking about our travel this morning reminded me of the two types of Christmas that I have experienced since I married. We alternate each year to visit family and the Christmases are totally different. Every other year we go to Idaho to my in-laws. Spending Christmas in Idaho, for someone from Puerto Rico, has always been challenging for me. Not because I don’t want to visit my husband’s family, but because I miss Puerto Rico during Christmas more than any other time in the year. It is usually a very melancholic time for me. During Christmas, my coqui soul wants to be in Puerto Rico. It is hard for me, as my husband also experiences being homesick and he wants to go to Idaho so bad. But for me, is more than a location. Our Christmas in Idaho is such a departure from what I grew up with in Puerto Rico.

Christmas in Idaho is all about family and football at the home of my in-laws. It is usually cold, there is usually a lot of snow, and we don’t go out much. As everyone else in my in-laws family, I’m also interested in the bowl games and rooting for my football team, University of Michigan. But the feeling around the family gathering is completely different from what I grew up with in Puerto Rico. I have been married for 23 years, which means that we have been going to my in-laws for a long time. Despite that, I still miss the Christmas spirit in Puerto Rico. At this time of the year, something takes over my head – feelings of melancholy toward my native Puerto Rico and my family – and I find myself unable to control those feelings. I feel torn between my American life in the United States and the usual American Christmas, and my Puerto Rican identity and cultural attachment to the island that pulls me in a different direction.

I enjoy the American Christmas’ traditions. I usually start humming American Christmas songs in early December, as my birthday approaches. I really get into the American Christmas spirit. And that makes sense, as I have lived in the States for more than half my life. But there are always different feelings that wake up during the Christmas season related to my Puerto Rican roots. Christmas in Puerto Rico is so different, because Puerto Rican culture is completely different from the United States. The Puerto Rican Christmas is rich with music and dance. There are the ‘parrandas’ where groups gather to sing Puerto Rican Christmas songs while going from house to house. There is the celebration of Three Kings Day where Puerto Rican kids get gifts for a second time during the season – after receiving gifts from Santa Claus on Christmas day. There are the special Christmas songs that are newly released each year – yes, every Christmas, there are new songs written for the season and the radio stations fill their broadcast with traditional and newly released songs.

Besides the cultural differences, there is the warm weather. Christmas weather in Puerto Rico is usually around 80 degrees – not much different from the weather throughout the year. After all, we are in the Caribbean, and weather in the Caribbean doesn’t change much. You live in shorts and t-shirts, you can go to the beach, and a ‘party-like’ atmosphere dominates every day during the holiday season. Also, the season in Puerto Rico goes forever. It usually starts after Thanksgiving, like in the United States, but that’s pretty much the only similarity. Holidays in Puerto Rico extend way beyond Christmas Day. There is the excitement of Christmas and gifts to be given and received, but then comes New Year’s Eve – a big day in Puerto Rico, where there are celebrations throughout the neighborhoods and hotels. In fact, my husband and I will go with my parents to celebrate New Year’s at a hotel every time we were visiting Puerto Rico. New Year’s Day seems to define the end of the Holiday season in the United States. But in Puerto Rico, that is only the beginning. After New Year’s, there is Three Kings Day (January 6) – a big celebration in Puerto Rico, where kids get gifts a second time. Then Puerto Ricans keep adding holidays after January 6. There are the ‘octavas’ (eight days after January 6), and then the ‘octavitas’ (eight days after that). But wait…it’s not over yet. If you are in San Juan, then you celebrate the ‘Fiestas de San Sebastian,’ starting about mid-January – a ‘Mardi Gras’ like celebration where people flood the streets of Old San Juan for a week, with continuous parades of music and dancing everywhere you go. I have never experienced the ‘Fiestas de San Sebastian,’ but I hope to do that someday.

So, as I said earlier, the Christmas/Holiday season in Puerto Rico is very different from the United States in many ways, both in cultural and timeline terms. Being from Puerto Rico, it is difficult to not miss the spirit of celebration that permeates throughout the island during the Holidays. Christmas in Puerto Rico is like nothing else in the world, as the cultural roots dominate the music, dance, and traditions during the many festivities.

Puerto Ricans are Americans by birth, but our cultural roots go back more than five hundred years when Christopher Columbus discovered the island in 1492. Puerto Rican culture is a complex mix of Spanish, African, and American traditions. But the Spanish and African traditions are the oldest and most ingrained in our culture. We have only be part of the United States for a little over 100 years. Before the United States landed in Puerto Rico, there was already a very strong culture fully developed and deeply impressed in the psyche of Puerto Ricans.

Being torn between two cultures is not a new feeling for me. In fact, the reason why I’m going through this journey of self-discovery is because I feel torn and uneasy a lot lately, especially as I grow older. It’s like the longer I live in the United States, the stronger the feelings of wanting to find myself – the harder the struggle with my identity and wanting to understand and getting in touch with my soul – my coqui soul.

I live in two cultures. Thus, I experience two Christmases.

Miss Universe 2018

Another Miss Universe…

I have watched Miss Universe since I was little. It has always been exciting to follow the Puerto Rico contestant. Puerto Rico has done very well in Miss Universe, winning multiple times. I’m not sure how many times, but multiple times for sure; more than other countries.

It is always exciting to watch Miss Universe. This is one of those times that Puerto Rico competes as an independent nation and this is one of the reasons why I will never want to become a state. Competing as an independent nation in Miss Universe and sports competitions, like the Olympics, has always been one of the highlights of being Puerto Rican. During these competitions it is when your Puerto Rican pride comes blasting full force against all countries in the world, including the United States. As a Puerto Rican, I will always root for Puerto Rico against the United States. The loyalty to Puerto Rico is unequivocal.

This is one line in the sand that gets drawn during every international competition. Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States. As such, Puerto Rico competes as an independent nation. If Puerto Rico was a state, we would not be able to compete as a separate nation. To other Americans this might feel shallow or unimportant. But for Puerto Ricans, and me, this is extremely important. At these competitions, the spirit of Puerto Rico comes to life, thriving and roaring like a lion. At these moments, the little island in the Caribbean shines as bright as the big powers of the world, including the United States.

I’m an American citizen, but during Miss Universe and many other international competitions, I will always, always root for Puerto Rico.

Let’s see what happens… go Puerto Rico! It will be great to show the world that we are here and stronger than ever, despite the struggles that we faced after hurricane Maria. We rise again!

The Cockfighting Wars

I always keep up with the Puerto Rican newspaper to learn about what’s going on in the island. After all, I’m Puerto Rican. So even though I live thousands of miles from the island, my immediate family still lives in Puerto Rico. But to be honest, I don’t follow the Puerto Rican news because of my family. I follow the news because my journey of self-discovery attempting to understand my soul and emotions is very much related to my Puerto Rican heritage. Anyway, I will be talking about all that later, but for now I want to share my emotions about the recent news.

The United States Congress declared cockfighting illegal and these news have dominated the newspapers and discussions in the island, from the poorest towns to the highest government officials, including the Governor of Puerto Rico. Amazingly, the cockfighting prohibition awakened the soul of Puerto Ricans like nothing else before. Why? I will share my own feelings about this, because I found myself reacting similarly to those living in Puerto Rico. Congress drew a line in the sand and I knew immediately where I stood – and it was not with the United States.

When I read the news, I was appalled. Somehow the news triggered a reaction in my soul that called for rebellion and disgust. The recent prohibition from Congress was a blatant exercise of United States colonialism. Yes, Puerto Rico is a colony of the United States and the recent act against cockfighting provides an unequivocal example of the colonial relationship between the United States and Puerto Rico. There are a lot of complicated aspects ingrained in this relationship that started in 1898 when United States attacked Puerto Rico during the Spanish American War and took control of the island from Spain. I have been doing a lot of research about this through my journey of self-discovery and the feelings awakened by this research will probably surface through a lot of my writings.

Today I wanted to share that I’m siding with Puerto Ricans and my position is clear and cemented by my Puerto Rican roots. I had the same feelings of the many Puerto Ricans that have expressed their disgust with Congress’ action against cockfighting. I find myself in a place that could be hard to understand by other Americans. Yes, I’m an American by birth – I was born in Puerto Rico and I’m an American citizen. But I’m drawn to Puerto Rico and its struggles by my coqui soul. That I can’t refute. My soul picked a side – that of Puerto Rico – and there is nothing I can do. I should say that I don’t want to do anything differently. I feel proud to pick Puerto Rico as my side. The purpose of this journey is to find clarity and peace. Through my rebellious reaction to Congress’ action, I experienced clarity and peace.

I’m against colonialism. The recent lack of action from the United States toward Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria clearly displayed the worst of colonialism. With the cockfighting prohibition, the United States again take control over the island as a master over its slave. There is no consideration for Puerto Ricans and its culture. I have never participated in a cockfight before. But I don’t need to. My grandfather did. Cockfighting is part of the Puerto Rican culture. Like bullfighting is part of the Spanish culture. I love animals, and it saddens me that I have to pick a side that might not align with my love for animals. But, it’s a matter of principle. The ruling against cockfighting is a ruling for colonialism.

If you think this is a big contradiction, you are right. That is what I live with – a big contradiction of loyalty toward my Puerto Rico and loyalty toward the United States. Loyalty toward my values and love of animals and rebellion against the prohibition. The dichotomy has been present – and will most likely be present throughout my entire life. But understanding why that dichotomy exists and understanding its roots, are the main reasons why I started this journey.

It is complicated. I will continue to explore my feelings in an attempt to better understand my soul. The path will be full of contradictions, but nevertheless, I need to do this because getting to know my soul and finding its voice is needed for my survival.

Today I stand against colonialism. I stand for Puerto Rico. My coqui soul knows which side I should be with. I’m standing strong with my fellow Puerto Ricans.

Finding myself – it has been a tough road

We are all different. Why am I struggling so much recently about who I am, where I come from, questioning if I fit in? I wondered if I have changed who I am deep inside me in order to fit in. Have I become a different person (a fake?) to fit in? Why was it needed and/or necessary? Why do I struggle with feeling confident and valued? Maybe it is because of all the messages out there (before and after the election) – negativity towards immigrants, Hispanics, minorities, women. It is hard to not take those hurtful comments personally. What am I supposed to do – it feels personal because it hurts at a personal level. The insults and offenses, targeting minorities, Hispanics like me. How can I ignore, forget, move on? I have tried during the past couple of years to do that, but it has not worked. The negativity, the messages are all around me and they spill into not only my personal but work life.

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to leave the feelings behind me, leave them at the door when I go to work? To me, that’s like asking a person to leave behind ‘at the door’ who they are. Ignoring what’s happening in this country (especially after the election) feels like betraying myself. I can’t hide the color of my skin, I can’t hide my accent, I can’t leave my ‘values’ behind me when I come to work or when I interact with others. That’s why it is so hard to not take things ‘personal.’ The negative messages hit my core, my soul, and my values. They hit deep and they hit hard. They have shaken my confidence. They have caused fear and distrust. Maybe writing all this will be like ‘therapy’ for my soul. At least I will have an avenue to express my voice, express my pain, express my frustration, and express myself.

A Journey To Finding My Soul

The Journey Begins

My name is Ines. Today is my 56th birthday and I decided to create this blog to give a voice to my coqui soul.

I call it coqui soul because I am from Puerto Rico. The coqui is a tiny frog native from Puerto Rico. It serves as a national symbol for Puerto Rico. As a native Puerto Rican, I strongly identify with the coqui. Thus, I’m calling this site My Coqui Soul project, as the purpose of this journey is to discover my Puerto Rican – coqui – soul.

I was born and lived in Puerto Rico until I graduated from college. Then I moved to Michigan in 1984 to attend graduate school. I now live in Michigan.

After 34 years from leaving the island, I still relate deeply to the coqui. I’m Puerto Rican by birth and feel that I will always be Puerto Rican in my soul.

For the last several years, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. I guess you can say that I have been going through mid-life crisis. A lot of things have happened that triggered my exploration. I have been thinking a lot about who I am. Not superficially, but who I truly am. I have been searching for my soul.

This blog gives a voice to my coqui soul. I will be sharing my thoughts, my emotions. and the many life lessons learned along the way. I hope that you join me in this journey. Maybe you can relate to my observations. I hope you can also reflect as you listen and even learn something about yourself. I hope my journey can evolve into your own journey.

Welcome to my blog — My Coqui Soul Project

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton