Crossing the Threshold

“This poem is about the anxieties experienced as an immigrant and person of color. I”m sure others have also had similar experiences. As I reflected on the events triggered by racism in this country and the impacts of those events on me, as a minority, many of my own experiences came to the surface, including the ones reflected here.”

Traveling is a freedom, a privilege.

Adventures and new discoveries usually await.

Excitement and happiness lead the way.

But then I have to cross the threshold of belonging.

And that shakes me and brings doubts to my disdain.

Stay close to my husband.

Our eyes connect.

Keep your distance.

Within grasp, just in case.

A feeling of uneasiness grows stronger.

There is fear.

Anxiety.

As my heart races faster my pulse keeping pace.

Wondering if everything will be okay.

Do I belong in their side? Will they welcome me back?

Do they look at me different?

Do they want to know more?

Don’t make eye contact.

Stay quiet.

It’s better that way.

As I cross the threshold,

I look back at my soulmate.

Please keep me safe.

Don’t lose sight of me.

I might need your help,

I might need you to come by.

I might need you to speak for me.

I might need you to tell them that I belong in your arms.

Maybe one day I’ll get used to it?

I have your back, my sweetheart

Just calm down.

I would never let anything happen to you.

I see your eyes on me. I’m here.

I see you.

I would never let anything happen to you.

I’ll protect you and everything will be okay, my love.

Maybe one day I will feel that I belong…

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – My Emotional Journey

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I was fortunate to be able to get tickets to see Hamilton while I was in Puerto Rico. The Hamilton production in Puerto Rico included Lin-Manuel Miranda, its creator, playing the main character. Lin-Manuel played Hamilton when it opened in Broadway, but he has not played the role for many years. Lin-Manuel’s family is from Puerto Rico and he decided to bring the hit musical to support Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. In fact, Lin-Manuel started a fund to support arts in Puerto Rico, including the restoration of the theater of the University of Puerto Rico that was damaged by the Hurricane. Eventually, the musical was moved to another venue – the Centro de Bellas Artes – but the restoration work at the University was done and will be critical to bringing other world-renowned events to Puerto Rico.

I have written before about the impact of Hamilton in my life. I saw Hamilton for the first time in Chicago in December 2017, for my 55th birthday. The musical was not only inspirational, but life changing. I relate to Hamilton as an immigrant from the Caribbean. I also relate to Hamilton in a lot of other characteristics – his passionate fervor for expressing his ideas and speaking his mind, even if creating discord; his love for writing; his continuous energy (non-stop) and inability to stay put and relax, always doing something; and many other things.

I connected with Hamilton instantly. I’m sure that the fact that Lin-Manuel, a Puerto Rican, was the creator of it had to do a lot with my connection. However, it was a lot more than that. I connected with the historical personality and the passion of the character visualized by Lin-Manuel through his written words.

After seeing Hamilton, I wanted to be him! I wanted to rebel. I wanted to speak up, express my thoughts, and write. I wanted to not waste any more time. I wanted to rise up again.

This is my third time seeing Hamilton. The second time was in New York (May 2018). But none of the previous times compare to seeing Lin-Manuel playing Hamilton in Puerto Rico. It was a very emotional journey. I have been wanting to see Hamilton in Puerto Rico since I heard that it was being planned. I closely monitored the news as they developed waiting for the opportunity to get tickets. It was more than a year of wait, but I was fortunate enough to get tickets through the Foundation that supported Hamilton in Puerto Rico, not only getting tickets to the event, but also having the opportunity to make a donation to support the arts in the island.

It was a long wait, but it was worth it. Seeing Lin-Manuel at the theater in Puerto Rico was unreal. It was like a dream. My husband and I have seen videos of Lin-Manuel playing in the original cast of Hamilton, so we have some visuals. I also listen to the soundtrack all the time, especially when I run. But this time, it was real. It was not a video or a soundtrack. It was Lin-Manuel in person, in front of us, singing the songs and speaking the words that have been ingrained in my mind for more than a year. After Chicago, I bought t-shirts for my husband and me with the phrase: ‘my thoughts have been replaced by Hamilton lyrics.’ It is true! I wake up in the morning thinking about the lyrics. I find myself humming the songs at all times of the day. Hamilton lyrics are truly always on my mind.

There are no words to describe the emotions I felt when I saw Lin-Manuel in the stage for the first time. There are no words to describe the emotions of hearing the lyrics sung by Lin-Manuel only a few feet from us. My emotions overwhelmed me. I usually cry when I listen to the soundtrack, as there are a few very sad songs. But at the theater, I was sobbing. I could not control my tears, coming down my cheeks in buckets full.

Seeing Hamilton in Puerto Rico was emotional at many levels and I will never forget.

Thank you Lin-Manuel for allowing me to experience Hamilton in my native Puerto Rico.

Hamilton in Puerto Rico – Ines Refuted, Love Restored

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

I have written about my feelings about Puerto Rico during my recent trip during the Holidays (Dec 2018-Jan 2019).

I went through a roller coaster of emotions. My elderly mom lives in Puerto Rico and it is always sad to see her deterioration. Her memory is failing. She is otherwise stable, but it is hard to see your parent aging and not able to do anything about it. This trip was even more difficult as I was trying to help my elderly uncle, who doesn’t have anyone to take care of him. I was dealing with business systems in Puerto Rico trying to solve issues, but it was hard for me to deal with some of the mentality of the people that I encountered.

I spent some tough days wondering about my place in Puerto Rico. I wanted to belong. I wanted to feel connected. But somehow the negative experiences trying to help my uncle with his care really deflated my spirit. I was down and I felt defeated. But the most frustrating part was that I had a lot of expectations for this trip. As part of my journey of self-discovery, I expected my coqui soul to feel welcomed, connected, and embraced. While dealing with the issues in Puerto Rico, I did not have those feelings and I felt very disappointed and even shameful for not finding that connection.

But then I followed the news about the preparations for Hamilton in Puerto Rico. Lin-Manuel and his parents were in Puerto Rico and the newspapers and television shows had reports about the Miranda family almost daily. This was a big event for the island. Everyone in the island was excited about the musical and so was I. Suddenly listening to Lin-Manuel and his parents changed my perspective. They were so proud and so happy to be in Puerto Rico. They showcased the goodness of the Puerto Ricans and their invincible spirit, especially after dealing with the deadly Hurricane Maria at the end of 2017. Puerto Ricans not only survived but did it with dignity and perseverance. Listening to others speaking about Puerto Rico awaken the coqui soul again. I started to feel part of something. I started to connect again with my native land. I started to see a different side – a positive side – that has been masked by the recent negative experiences dealing with my elderly relatives.

Somehow, my perspective was refuted by Lin-Manuel. I stand corrected, Lin-Manuel. I have feelings for Puerto Rico. I have emotions that generate from my family and upbringing in Puerto Rico. Suddenly the love for my culture, my people, and my land surfaced again through Hamilton in Puerto Rico. My coqui soul is alive and does not want to forget its roots. My love for Puerto Rico is restored thanks to my experience of Hamilton in Puerto Rico and Lin-Manuel.

Ines refuted. Love restored.

Emptiness

It has been a tough week in Puerto Rico. I had so many expectations of wanting to feel a connection, of wanting to belong. But what I’m feeling today is completely opposite to what I wanted or expected.

I want to be honest, because only honesty can truly help me understand myself and who I am. What I’m going to write next is pretty tough. I have experienced such negative situations this last few days in Puerto Rico that my coqui soul feels deflated and dead. I have spent days trying to help my elderly uncle (my dad’s brother) who needs assistance and doesn’t have anyone to take care of him. In my attempt to solve business issues for my uncle I experienced the ‘way things are done’ in Puerto Rico and I realized that I clash with the Puerto Rican mindset. I was trying my best to find rational and fair solutions to problems, but instead found a bureaucracy and mindset that relies on archaic and irrational business systems, where the customer is not the priority or respected.

I’m sure some other day I will write more about all this – the Puerto Rican business mindset – as this is not a new discovery. I have had similar negative experiences trying to deal with medical and legal issues related to my parents in Puerto Rico. The experiences, similar to this week’s issues with my uncle, have been traumatic. Traumatic is a very strong word, but that is the true impact. I feel defeated and hurt, and these feelings form the backdrop of what I’m writing below…

Emptiness and a hole in my coqui soul…

I’m desperately wanting to feel something, to feel connected, to feel that I belong. But those feelings are not there. I feel disconnected and empty. I’m watching a Puerto Rican television show in my mom’s living room and I could care less about the news about Puerto Rico or the reports about Christmas’ celebrations around the island. I feel nothing….

But that’s not quite true, I feel like I want to be somewhere else, like I’m trapped here in my home in Puerto Rico, that I don’t belong and that I want to escape to another place. I thought I would feel a strong connection, especially after thinking so much about being Puerto Rican and thinking that my soul journey will lead me here to my hometown of Ponce. But at this moment — after the traumatic experiences of this week trying to desperately help my uncle and navigate through archaic systems and behaviors that make no sense to me — what I expected is not happening. There is no connection to this place. It is actually disturbing that I feel so empty.

A Tale of Two Christmases

Today I’m heading to Puerto Rico for Christmas. It is funny that as I’m getting ready this morning, I find myself humming Christmas tunes. But not Christmas tunes from Puerto Rico, but American Christmas songs. ‘I’ll be home for Christmas’ was in my mind and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’m glad that I was humming songs, as that was a sign that I was somewhat relaxed.

It is always stressful to travel, especially when we are flying long distance, like to Puerto Rico. My husband and I were traveling for the Holidays for a long stay this time – three weeks – so packing was a challenge, especially when we only take carry-on luggage.

Thinking about our travel this morning reminded me of the two types of Christmas that I have experienced since I married. We alternate each year to visit family and the Christmases are totally different. Every other year we go to Idaho to my in-laws. Spending Christmas in Idaho, for someone from Puerto Rico, has always been challenging for me. Not because I don’t want to visit my husband’s family, but because I miss Puerto Rico during Christmas more than any other time in the year. It is usually a very melancholic time for me. During Christmas, my coqui soul wants to be in Puerto Rico. It is hard for me, as my husband also experiences being homesick and he wants to go to Idaho so bad. But for me, is more than a location. Our Christmas in Idaho is such a departure from what I grew up with in Puerto Rico.

Christmas in Idaho is all about family and football at the home of my in-laws. It is usually cold, there is usually a lot of snow, and we don’t go out much. As everyone else in my in-laws family, I’m also interested in the bowl games and rooting for my football team, University of Michigan. But the feeling around the family gathering is completely different from what I grew up with in Puerto Rico. I have been married for 23 years, which means that we have been going to my in-laws for a long time. Despite that, I still miss the Christmas spirit in Puerto Rico. At this time of the year, something takes over my head – feelings of melancholy toward my native Puerto Rico and my family – and I find myself unable to control those feelings. I feel torn between my American life in the United States and the usual American Christmas, and my Puerto Rican identity and cultural attachment to the island that pulls me in a different direction.

I enjoy the American Christmas’ traditions. I usually start humming American Christmas songs in early December, as my birthday approaches. I really get into the American Christmas spirit. And that makes sense, as I have lived in the States for more than half my life. But there are always different feelings that wake up during the Christmas season related to my Puerto Rican roots. Christmas in Puerto Rico is so different, because Puerto Rican culture is completely different from the United States. The Puerto Rican Christmas is rich with music and dance. There are the ‘parrandas’ where groups gather to sing Puerto Rican Christmas songs while going from house to house. There is the celebration of Three Kings Day where Puerto Rican kids get gifts for a second time during the season – after receiving gifts from Santa Claus on Christmas day. There are the special Christmas songs that are newly released each year – yes, every Christmas, there are new songs written for the season and the radio stations fill their broadcast with traditional and newly released songs.

Besides the cultural differences, there is the warm weather. Christmas weather in Puerto Rico is usually around 80 degrees – not much different from the weather throughout the year. After all, we are in the Caribbean, and weather in the Caribbean doesn’t change much. You live in shorts and t-shirts, you can go to the beach, and a ‘party-like’ atmosphere dominates every day during the holiday season. Also, the season in Puerto Rico goes forever. It usually starts after Thanksgiving, like in the United States, but that’s pretty much the only similarity. Holidays in Puerto Rico extend way beyond Christmas Day. There is the excitement of Christmas and gifts to be given and received, but then comes New Year’s Eve – a big day in Puerto Rico, where there are celebrations throughout the neighborhoods and hotels. In fact, my husband and I will go with my parents to celebrate New Year’s at a hotel every time we were visiting Puerto Rico. New Year’s Day seems to define the end of the Holiday season in the United States. But in Puerto Rico, that is only the beginning. After New Year’s, there is Three Kings Day (January 6) – a big celebration in Puerto Rico, where kids get gifts a second time. Then Puerto Ricans keep adding holidays after January 6. There are the ‘octavas’ (eight days after January 6), and then the ‘octavitas’ (eight days after that). But wait…it’s not over yet. If you are in San Juan, then you celebrate the ‘Fiestas de San Sebastian,’ starting about mid-January – a ‘Mardi Gras’ like celebration where people flood the streets of Old San Juan for a week, with continuous parades of music and dancing everywhere you go. I have never experienced the ‘Fiestas de San Sebastian,’ but I hope to do that someday.

So, as I said earlier, the Christmas/Holiday season in Puerto Rico is very different from the United States in many ways, both in cultural and timeline terms. Being from Puerto Rico, it is difficult to not miss the spirit of celebration that permeates throughout the island during the Holidays. Christmas in Puerto Rico is like nothing else in the world, as the cultural roots dominate the music, dance, and traditions during the many festivities.

Puerto Ricans are Americans by birth, but our cultural roots go back more than five hundred years when Christopher Columbus discovered the island in 1492. Puerto Rican culture is a complex mix of Spanish, African, and American traditions. But the Spanish and African traditions are the oldest and most ingrained in our culture. We have only be part of the United States for a little over 100 years. Before the United States landed in Puerto Rico, there was already a very strong culture fully developed and deeply impressed in the psyche of Puerto Ricans.

Being torn between two cultures is not a new feeling for me. In fact, the reason why I’m going through this journey of self-discovery is because I feel torn and uneasy a lot lately, especially as I grow older. It’s like the longer I live in the United States, the stronger the feelings of wanting to find myself – the harder the struggle with my identity and wanting to understand and getting in touch with my soul – my coqui soul.

I live in two cultures. Thus, I experience two Christmases.

The Cockfighting Wars

I always keep up with the Puerto Rican newspaper to learn about what’s going on in the island. After all, I’m Puerto Rican. So even though I live thousands of miles from the island, my immediate family still lives in Puerto Rico. But to be honest, I don’t follow the Puerto Rican news because of my family. I follow the news because my journey of self-discovery attempting to understand my soul and emotions is very much related to my Puerto Rican heritage. Anyway, I will be talking about all that later, but for now I want to share my emotions about the recent news.

The United States Congress declared cockfighting illegal and these news have dominated the newspapers and discussions in the island, from the poorest towns to the highest government officials, including the Governor of Puerto Rico. Amazingly, the cockfighting prohibition awakened the soul of Puerto Ricans like nothing else before. Why? I will share my own feelings about this, because I found myself reacting similarly to those living in Puerto Rico. Congress drew a line in the sand and I knew immediately where I stood – and it was not with the United States.

When I read the news, I was appalled. Somehow the news triggered a reaction in my soul that called for rebellion and disgust. The recent prohibition from Congress was a blatant exercise of United States colonialism. Yes, Puerto Rico is a colony of the United States and the recent act against cockfighting provides an unequivocal example of the colonial relationship between the United States and Puerto Rico. There are a lot of complicated aspects ingrained in this relationship that started in 1898 when United States attacked Puerto Rico during the Spanish American War and took control of the island from Spain. I have been doing a lot of research about this through my journey of self-discovery and the feelings awakened by this research will probably surface through a lot of my writings.

Today I wanted to share that I’m siding with Puerto Ricans and my position is clear and cemented by my Puerto Rican roots. I had the same feelings of the many Puerto Ricans that have expressed their disgust with Congress’ action against cockfighting. I find myself in a place that could be hard to understand by other Americans. Yes, I’m an American by birth – I was born in Puerto Rico and I’m an American citizen. But I’m drawn to Puerto Rico and its struggles by my coqui soul. That I can’t refute. My soul picked a side – that of Puerto Rico – and there is nothing I can do. I should say that I don’t want to do anything differently. I feel proud to pick Puerto Rico as my side. The purpose of this journey is to find clarity and peace. Through my rebellious reaction to Congress’ action, I experienced clarity and peace.

I’m against colonialism. The recent lack of action from the United States toward Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria clearly displayed the worst of colonialism. With the cockfighting prohibition, the United States again take control over the island as a master over its slave. There is no consideration for Puerto Ricans and its culture. I have never participated in a cockfight before. But I don’t need to. My grandfather did. Cockfighting is part of the Puerto Rican culture. Like bullfighting is part of the Spanish culture. I love animals, and it saddens me that I have to pick a side that might not align with my love for animals. But, it’s a matter of principle. The ruling against cockfighting is a ruling for colonialism.

If you think this is a big contradiction, you are right. That is what I live with – a big contradiction of loyalty toward my Puerto Rico and loyalty toward the United States. Loyalty toward my values and love of animals and rebellion against the prohibition. The dichotomy has been present – and will most likely be present throughout my entire life. But understanding why that dichotomy exists and understanding its roots, are the main reasons why I started this journey.

It is complicated. I will continue to explore my feelings in an attempt to better understand my soul. The path will be full of contradictions, but nevertheless, I need to do this because getting to know my soul and finding its voice is needed for my survival.

Today I stand against colonialism. I stand for Puerto Rico. My coqui soul knows which side I should be with. I’m standing strong with my fellow Puerto Ricans.