Have I felt this before?

There is something magical about the art of creation. It feels so exhilarating, so fulfilling. That’s how I feel when I write. Being in touch with my emotions, expressing my deepest feelings, my true feelings, is like nothing else that I have experienced before. But is it that true? Have I felt this before?

My memories started flooding my senses as I went back in time to a place that I have not forgotten. Tears start coming down as I realize that my soul was trying to tell me something many years ago. I tried to listen, but I was still a child and my dependent self couldn’t survive by itself.

When I was a young teenager I took art as one of my elective classes. There was not much thought about taking that step. There is not much thought about anything you do when you are in middle school. I was a very good student – all As, all my life through school. As every good student, your parents and teachers want you to focus on those hard math and science classes. You are supposed to set your sight into something bigger than art, something more serious, more respectable. So I never received encouragement to pursue the happiness of creation. I probably didn’t share with my parents or my teachers how I felt when I was doing the art projects.

I never talked about the ecstasy of forming clay with my hands until the shape of an abstract sculpture takes life. I could almost feel today my fingers working the wet clay and the smoothness of the process of creation when I let myself go. Those pieces still live in the abandoned shelves of my childhood bedroom – testaments of another path that could have been.

I did not share with anyone the joy of smelling the oil pigments while working on my masterpiece in the garage. The excitement of buying the tubes of colors and the pride of creating new members of the rainbow. The awe when a new color blooms – an infinite number of possibilities as the ochre mixed with white. A fresh shade created by my senses – an original never seen before. The masterpiece no longer exists in this physical world, but it will never leave my mind.

I had similar brushes with art in college, where I again decided to take an art class as an elective. This time was different though. It was an art appreciation class where we were asked to pick an artist and study the style. I selected a Spanish artist, El Greco. I still remember vividly the painting that I chose to analyze, the long bodies extending to the sky and the challenge of trying to figure out what lied behind the intent of the artist. As a writer now I realize that it is impossible to know exactly what an artist is thinking during the moment of creation.

“Art for an artist or a book for a writer are personal expressions that escape the conscious understanding of the viewer or reader; the viewer or reader can only attempt to decipher the emotions and feelings behind the creation.” — IS

But wait…there is one more memory that is awakening. There is another time – that innocent memory of my first performance when I was in primary school and I played the organ at the Christmas show. I was so nervous, but I felt so proud. I did something that was creative. It was my first meeting with the pleasure of owning the joy of art.

I didn’t know how to interpret the deep sentiments of my experiences. I don’t even know if I understood then the meaning of the emotions – the calmness, the peacefulness, the freedom of creation. I felt something – many things – but those feelings were foreign to me and I didn’t understand their true meaning. No one around me took the time to ask. Even if they have asked, I’m not sure what I would have said.

My soul attempted to rise from the depth of my being. My soul was shouting, but the noise around me was too loud. Those around me showed me a different path. I became a scientist. The voice of my soul was put aside in a corner of my brain where memories accumulated for a later time. I left my soul behind until now. Those memories today becoming significant as I again encounter the art of creation – the reconciliation with my soul.

My soul-searching journey uncovers an important piece of the puzzle. It is comforting to know that the pieces are starting to come together. The memories of the past evolve into who I am today. My soul is happy to know that I am listening now. I don’t need to depend on others to show me the path. I own my destiny and I can’t wait to continue discovering the mysteries ahead.

Everything is starting to make sense!

In a Different Place

Yesterday I went back to work after the federal government shutdown ended. I had mixed feelings about returning to work. After more than 30 days of being furloughed (out of work), I started getting used to the idea of being home. For me, it was like a test of what retirement could be. I was not bored or missing work. I focused on my writing and that brought a lot of joy.

At home during the last month, I had a lot of time to reflect about my life. My career, and being successful at my job, has always been a big part of my life – maybe too big of a part of my life. I have always been a responsible, dedicated, and loyal employee. As a manager, I embraced the responsibility of taking care of others. Eventually, that devotion and commitment took a toll on my emotional health. I allowed my career to dominate and define my life.

The last few years have been tough, especially after my dad passed in 2016. Besides the grief and emotional strain of losing my dad, I also started reflecting on my career. I observed organizational issues that bothered me and spent a lot of energy deciphering the best way to address the issues. These have been difficult times. In addition to management concerns, I was having a very tough time confronting the open disdain for minorities and Hispanics in this country, which compounded the pain. As a Hispanic in this country, I felt attacked and disrespected. The messages coming from the highest levels of the new Administration revealed a tone that made me feel uncomfortable. I was a government employee and the political rhetoric around minority issues impacted me at a personal level. My self-confidence was shaken.

During the recent shutdown and my stay at home, I found relaxation and peace. I feared going back to work and getting back to a place that would trigger sadness and distress. But I feel that I changed. I am in a different place. The start of my blog and the freedom to focus on my writing has changed my perspective about work.

I did a lot of self-reflection while I was out of work. In a way, the shutdown contributed to my journey of self-discovery, including bringing light and clarification on my life priorities. I realize that it is not right to allow my job to have such power over my life and happiness. I no longer want my job and career to determine my identity. My soul is so much bigger and richer than my job.

My career has been and will always be part of my life. But the key is to remind myself that it is a small part compared to my life’s full purpose and all the things I want to accomplish. There are a million things that I want to do, write, to feed my soul. Realizing the dream of writing is where I want to spend my emotional energy. It doesn’t mean that I cannot continue to be committed to my career. I still have a few years until retirement. I don’t intend to abandon my job responsibilities. However, having clarity on the goals that my soul wants to pursue means that I will be setting boundaries to ensure that my career doesn’t control my life.

My new perspective brings comfort. I have already started practicing a different outlook during my first day back at work. The renewed attitude aligns with who I want to be – with my soul. From now on, I want my soul to guide my life. The road ahead is not all clear, but I have started a journey and I am confident that my soul will lead me to the right place – a different place where I can pursue and nurture my passion for writing.

The Finish Line

I was just talking with a friend today and mentioned that I can’t wait for the finish line. I was referring to retirement. I was sharing with my friend that I can’t wait to retire and focus on my writing. His reply made me think about the term ‘the finish line.’

We have many ‘finish lines’ during our lifetimes. I have had many literal finish lines to cross during running races. In reality, they are milestones – goals that we set for ourselves. Thus, there are many finish lines or milestones that we create.

I have a good job, a good-paying job. But as I grow older, I have realized that my calling, my purpose, my passion, is not my job, but writing – writing about my life journey and discovering my soul along the quest is what I want to do. Creating this blog was part of following my passion and my dream.

As I grow older, I feel an enormous urgency to follow my passion and purpose in life. I feel that I need to be true to myself and become the person that I want to be.

“There is a very satisfying feeling that comes with being honest with yourself – a sense of freedom and peace.” — IS

I have questioned many times during this journey if I’m going through mid-life crisis. Maybe I am. Maybe as we grow older we question our purpose in life. We crave for answers of what we want to be and what we want to do with our lives.

“There is a need to check in with our soul to ensure that we are aligned with a purpose that brings joy to our life.” — IS

I sure feel that way. If this is mid-life crisis, then I’m glad I’m going through this abstract and transcendental phase. I’m glad that I’m questioning my purpose. I’m glad that I have the courage to search for my true soul.

Retirement is not a finish line. It is a transition to a world where I can exist in sync with my soul – a time where I dream of a world of endless opportunities in which my soul could live without boundaries. I yearn for the calm and peacefulness that comes with following my passion. I aspire to a time where I can give my soul the liberty and abandonment of full expression, with a voice that speaks the truth about who I am. Like Hamilton, I feel that I have a MILLION THINGS TO DO!

Thus, I dream about the symbolic transformation of my life after retirement, as I call it the ‘finish line.’ Almost there…JUST YOU WAIT!

But my friend reminded me that I don’t have to wait – that I can pursue my passion today. I realize that I have started following my dream. I realize that by starting this blog I have taken the first step in the rest of my life.

Suddenly the significance of the retirement ‘finish line’ loses its glory. Retirement is only one step of many during my lifetime. The odyssey of self-discovery have started. I’m already on my way to the most significant goal – I’m writing and enjoying the ride.

I’M NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT!

Cheering myself up through Hamilton

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

Work has been very hard lately. I have felt like I ran out of steam. Or maybe I should say that I am running out of steam, to be a bit hopeful that maybe there is some steam left?

Hamilton, the musical, helped restart the engine, the light, the steam!

There has been so many things happening during the last couple of years. They have been painful years…Trump won the election and became President two years ago. I work for a federal agency whose mission has not been supported by the new Administration. In addition, I’m a Hispanic woman and Hispanics and minorities have been attacked in the public arena. It has felt like my life has gone through an emotional roller coaster. Maybe not a roller coaster, because there were more ‘downs’ than ‘ups.’ A tumultuous couple of years – defining years- as I will figure out and reflect again about my purpose. There were a lot of down times – sadness, fear, uncertainty. My confidence shaken, a feeling of loss of value. I have felt belittled, insulted, offended as a minority Hispanic woman in the United States, and an immigrant. At times I felt hopeless, depressed, lost. It has taken me a couple of years to recover, to be where I am today.

To better understand where I am today, I feel like I need to look back, re-examine, re-evaluate, pick-up the pieces to be whole again, find the lessons that were given through times of desperation, find my worth and value again, rediscover who I am, my purpose, my gift. I need to take a SHOT at life and pursue my life purpose – WRITING!

What does Hamilton have to do with all this? A lot…

Running out of steam…I know how that feels like. But I can get up again…RISE UP! I have been there. I know I can do it. I can make it to the finish line.

“Set up your eyes on what lies ahead after the finish line – not what you have to go through to make it to the finish line.” — IS

There might be pain, but your mind can take you to the finish line. It’s like running a marathon! Every time I think about the marathon, a smile appears in my face. That was such an accomplishment. Such Sisu! Sisu is a Finnish word that is hard to translate to English. It means something like being gutsy or determined. But in reality it is a lot more than that. (I will be writing more on the Finnish connection later).

When I ran the Detroit marathon years ago, I collapsed twice! Think about it. Not once, but twice! But I got up – RISE UP! – and I finished the marathon ‘standing’ with a smile on my face that was recorded by the photographer at the finish line. How in the world did that happened? It happened because of who I am. I am persistent. I am passionate, gutsy. I never give up when something is on the line. So there is a no reason to give up, regardless of the pain and suffering experienced some days. The journey to the finish line will always have ups and downs. But having a goal in mind will take me to the finish line and beyond – retirement and maybe a book as an outcome of this blog! It will happen because I will not give up. I might feel like collapsing, like running out of steam, but I will get up – RISE UP!

I WILL NOT THROW AWAY MY SHOT!

My Shot! I want to be Hamilton!

If you are a Hamilton musical fan a lot of these thoughts will make sense. If you are not, I hope that you can follow my thoughts anyway.

Funny how things appear in your path and impact your life….destiny? Serendipity?

A little over a year has passed since my 55th birthday. That birthday started a seed that now I’m finally beginning to see grow into this blog that I started on my 56th birthday.

For my 55th birthday, I went to Chicago to see ‘Hamilton: An American Musical.’ I was filled with excitement. It seemed that every other soul, but my husband and I, has seen Hamilton – the most popular musical in many years. I knew a little about the musical, but mostly that it was very popular in Broadway and that his creator was from a family from Puerto Rico. The creator was Lin-Manuel Miranda. Beyond that, I didn’t know much about the story line or everything else about the book from which the musical was based on. Actually, I didn’t even know that there was a book until after I saw the musical. I have heard that the musical was awesome, great from co-workers and news. Because of my lack of knowledge, I thought it was a good idea to read/learn a bit about ‘Hamilton’ before heading to Chicago. I didn’t want to be lost during the performance. As my husband and I were waiting for the train to Chicago, I went to Wikipedia. The article was short and I got a taste for what was to come, as I read and share with my husband the ‘cliff notes’ for ‘Hamilton.’ Thank you Wikipedia!

Nothing out there could have prepared me for what was to come…. My experience was out of this world. I felt connected to the musical in a way that I still can’t quite fully describe or explain. It was such an emotional experience. There were so many similarities…Is this why I felt an immediate connection?

Hamilton – an immigrant from the Caribbean – was working hard against all odds to become a founding father. Fast forwarding more than two centuries, I found my life reflected in front of me as I was watching the musical. From that day on, the lyrics are always on my mind!

I felt so much pride when I saw ’Hamilton.’ But it was so much more…the Puerto Rico connection (the hurricane)…the immigrant…the passion…the search for something more…the feeling that there is a purpose…the need for something more…the idea of not giving up… (Non-stop)…the inexplicable fire in my chest and head of thousands of thoughts/words wanting to come out…the love of writing…the love of writing!

My SHOT! What an inspiration! What about my shot? What is supposed to be my place in history?

RISE UP! Don’t give up! Don’t give up your dream. What is supposed to be my legacy? What am I leaving behind after I’m gone? Is this the reason why I’m coming back to writing? I want to leave something behind, something for posterity – my legacy? But it is so much more than that….Hamilton fired up my engine again. Hamilton lit up a fire within me that I was struggling to keep alive.

I have been down lately – depressed? I have been searching for answers, searching for inspiration, searching for a reason to go on, searching for happiness, searching for ‘my purpose.’

JUST YOU WAIT!

It is up to me to do what I want, to follow my dream…to write! I love it. This is the one thing that comes without effort. I have so many thoughts that I want to share. It feels so good to write them. They flow freely and I can’t contain them. Why should I? I should go back to writing. It really doesn’t matter what happens with my writings. Let the future, my destiny, evolve…Let the happiness…

RISE UP!

I have been talking (writing) about finding my purpose for a while. I’m not waiting any longer.

DON’T THROW AWAY YOUR SHOT!

We only have one life. I should pursue my purpose, my happiness, my freedom. I need to lead my life. It is all up to me, not to others. It is not about my job. It is about what I do with my free time. What I pursue because it brings me joy, not because I have to, but because I want to.

Hamilton brought hope, re-alignment, re-focus, pride – an immigrant from the Caribbean achieving greatness/success. Hamilton shook my core and my soul, but in a positive way. Hamilton reminded me that our ‘inside forces’ are stronger than ‘outside factors.’ That drive, passion, and perseverance can move mountains. That achievement is self-driven, not given. Hamilton reminded me that I too can write and express myself and do it because I ‘feel’ those feelings and I have the thoughts. The thoughts and feelings are real because they are mine. No one can tell me otherwise. My purpose and goal is not to convince, but to be honest and true to myself – to be something more than what’s in sight, to give a voice to my soul, to experience the freedom and happiness that comes from being myself. There is a ‘purity’ (wholesomeness) that comes with the freedom of expression – an indescribable feeling of giving ‘life’ to your soul. It is like an adventure in exploring oneself in a way that no one else can, without doubts, regrets…let the pen flow, guide you, be honest, be true, be pure, be you!

DON’T THROW AWAY YOUR SHOT!

Maybe I’m not writing a novel, an autobiography, a memoir. Maybe I’m just supposed to write my thoughts, ideas. Maybe they are valuable to others? But even if they are not…they are valuable to me and they need to come out…they need to be written down. Doing anything short of that would be like killing my soul, like drowning the beauty of freedom, like betraying myself, my life, who I am, my purpose, my SHOT!

I’M NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT!

This is my revolution! This is my time! This is my happiness! This is my path! This is my purpose. This is me!