A couple of recent events made me think about the human need for validation. Why do we sometimes worry or care about what others might think of us. Why do we feel that we need validation from others? As part of my soul-searching journey, I realize that I have experienced the need for validation throughout my life.

I also have been thinking about my reactions when I observe what I consider an unfair act. I get very upset when I detect signs of unfairness. This happens not only when I perceive unfair actions toward me, but to anyone around me.

I sensed that these thoughts were somewhat connected. I decided to dig deeper into them. I wondered what mysteries could be hidden in my psyche that prompted the need for validation and my fiery reaction against injustice. I wanted to confront my thoughts head on, with honesty. I wanted to expose the good and the ugly. Honesty will lead the way to learning about who I am.

“Not everything that surfaces as part of our soul-searching is pleasant or graceful, but it will have value if it is honest.”

As is always the case, we usually react to what happens around us based on our experiences. Our experiences through life shape our values, our personalities, and our soul. We are not always proud of our actions, but we can always learn from them.

“Unmasking the past is sometimes necessary to be able to move forward, and hopefully, to a better self.”

After much reflection, I realized that I needed to go back to my fifth grade. I knew all along that an important event occurred during my fifth grade. This is not the first time that I think about that day. But giving it some additional deliberation during this journey of self-reflection revealed a lot more that I have ever discovered previously. I saw an inevitable connection between my fifth grade experience and how I have acted every single day after that. Suddenly I found answers to my questions of validation and fairness.

I did very well in school. I was an ‘A’ student from kindergarten to my senior year, where I was the valedictorian of my class. The graduating class was small – 25 students – and most of us have been together since kindergarten. I went to a private school – an all girls school. My parents did not have a lot of money, but they used everything they had to support our education. They worked very hard all their life to give my sister and I everything we needed – their most important gift was the gift of education. My mom was a nurse and my dad was an accountant.

My fifth grade teacher was a big and tall woman with a permanent frown on her face. She used to wear a two-piece grey uniform, consisting of a vest and skirt. The only color in her outfit was the daily changing blouse under the gray vest. But there were no flowers or prints, just solid, muted colors barely noticed against all the gray. For a 10-year old, she was like an ogre in a fairy tale. Everyone was frightened when entering the classroom, quietly sitting in the desks and avoiding any conversation unless asked to speak. No one wanted to get into trouble.

One day, the teacher announced a prize for the best student in class. What happened after the announcement changed me forever. She did not call my name. I knew my grades. I knew that I was the top student in the class, but she called someone else’s name. I was 10 years old. I did not know what to think or what to do. My mind was somewhere between confusion and disbelief. All I remember is that I was hurt. I could not wait to leave school that day. When I arrived home I told my mom. The other student that received the prize was the daughter of one of the school’s board of trustees.

That single experience and my mom’s reaction defined who I am today. My mom was furious. She could not believe that the top student prize was given to someone else. She also knew very well my grades. My mom was not going to stand silent against the injustice and the next day she roared to the school to talk with the principal and the teacher. Until that day, I would have considered my mom a very quiet and calm person. But that day she became a lioness. She was defending her cub and she was fierce. I have not seen my mom behave that way before. But I knew my sister and I were the world for my parents. Everything they did, they did for us. If we were ever in danger they will come to our rescue without question.

I do not remember much about what happened after my mom’s historical visit to the school. I do not know if I also got a prize. I assumed they gave me something else, instead of taking the prize from the other student. I really did not care much about the actual prize because the experience around it was already hurtful. I learned many lessons that eventually morphed into my personality.

“Our experiences define our past but our choices define our future.”

I believe that I have felt the need for validation throughout my life because of my fifth grade experience. Maybe I could have learned a different lesson, or my mom could have explained the situation different. I will always carry this experience within me. But now I understand the roots of where my feelings come from. Shedding light into the past provided an opportunity to understand that the reaction could have been different. As a child, I did not have much of a choice, as the characteristics of my personality were developing through my parent’s eyes. But now I have my own eyes. I can choose how I behave. I can understand that the need for validation might be a human characteristic, but not necessarily needed at all times. I know better. I now have a choice on how I want my experiences to impact my future.

I also learned that day about my mom’s strength and spirit. My absolute refusal to stand silent against injustice derives from observing my mom’s irrefutable devotion to defend her loved one against injustice. I adopted these characteristics from my mom and I am proud of them. Like my mom, I become a lioness when a loved one is in danger. I also feel compelled to stand for fairness in everything that happens around me. It is many times frustrating – life is not always fair – but I never want to quit to stand for what I believe in and to defend others that might need my help. For this passion, I thank my mom.